Connecting With My Inner Child - Therapy Drawings

Through therapy the realization that my depression lies mostly with the abused inner child in me. It is the child in that has been suffering. The child in me that feels the unbelievable pain. With an amazing therapist I have been able to get in touch with this child and help her heal from all that she is suffering from. One thing my therapist asked me to do is find an activity that I enjoyed doing as a young girl. I loved to colour & draw for most of my childhood, so I decided to go out and by an art pad and pencil crayons. When I was feeling pain, anxiety or any overwhelming emotion, I would try to pick up my pad & crayons. Here are some of my first drawings:

Ever picture I drew I never had an image in mind to work towards, I simply picked which ever colour striked me at the moment and started with that. I am by no means an artist, but it sure to make the little girl in me happy & calm. I even started drawing pictures with oil pastels. This is definitely something I will continue doing for a long time.

If I Should Die Before I Wake, The Pain Became Too Much To Take

As you can see, I have not posted an update regarding my mental health journey in a while. In the last few months it seems, with the help of my therapist, I have delved into, what I think, has been the darkest part of my journey.  I know I have said that before, but I was wrong.  The darkness surrounds me and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

There have been some very hard and painful realizations that have come up through my therapy.  These realizations have me feeling so broken, unloved, unworthy and very unsure of who I am and where I belong in this world.  These realizations have opened a can of 40 years of pain, that I was not allowed to feel or recognize until now.  Realization of abuse my entire life, abandonment and my entire belief system of right and wrong is completely questionable now.

The pain is so unbearable at times, that thoughts of suicide enter my head.  The thoughts are more often than not lately. My days and nights are currently filled with darkness and I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel on a daily basis.  I'm working through this will my therapist and he is aware of these thoughts.  Still very scary.  The pain becomes so unbearable that I just do not want to feel anymore, I just want it to stop.

With all of this going on, I just have not been up to doing anything that I use to enjoy doing, including writing my blog.  I just wanted to provide this quick update and let you know, I will be back as soon as the light prevails.  Will share more details of these horribly, dark part of my mental health journey.

Why Do I Want To Shave My Head?

I do not know if this is a symptom of a "nervous breakdown" but I'm really having the urge to shave my head.
I have never heard of people doing this, beside Brittney Spears.

I do not have a weave or anything that I want to get rid of like she did either. Every day I am closer and closer to doing this.  Is this normal?  Have you suffered from a "nervous breakdown" and had the urge to shave your head?  Please, let me know.

I have not blogged in a while.  I have several posts to write to share my progress on my current mental health journey. It has progressed nicely, but Im currently at a very difficult and very painful point in the journey.  Feeling a lot of fear, sadness, anger and am so overwhelmed that I fear, at times, I do not know how I am going to survive this next leg of my journey.

3 Ways To Ease Depression Isolation

This is something that I am currently suffering from and it is soooo hard to not isolate myself.  Currently I am spending approx. 22 hours in my bedroom.  Im not sitting and brewing over everything in my head, I do keep myself busy, with reading, tv, movies, twitter, facebook, etc.  I force myself to go for, at the very least, a small walk, every day.  I also have to force myself to do one house chore a day.  This is how I spend the 2 hours I am not in my bedroom.  I just don't feel like doing anything. Found this article below regarding this, and I am hoping I can make some progress with my isolation, as I know it is very unhealthy for my mental health.  The journey continues.

 via www.healthguidance.org

How to make isolation help ease the pain of depression.

One of the hardest symptoms to deal with during a depressive episode is feeling disconnected from reality. This feeling causes sufferers to retreat further and further into their own world. They become isolated from their loved ones and friends and the loneliness deepens the depression. Here’s three ways to stop isolation from making depression worse.


1. Have at least one person you can turn to and have regular contact with 3-4 times a week. Someone you can call when you need to talk, someone who can be with you just watching TV or going to a movie. You don’t have talk about how you feel if you don’t want to and be clear that you don’t want to be questioned about your feelings. Hopefully, they’ll understand this and will be there for you when you need them.


2. There will be times when you just want to shut out the world and have your own space. Many sufferers just want to be alone in a quiet room such as their bedroom. There’s nothing wrong with this at all. But try not to make it a daily or regular habit. Schedule this once, maybe twice a week at most and be strict with it. It’s about a balance. Yes, shut the world out for a day or two each week. For the rest of the week, be around people, especially the special person we discussed in the first paragraph.

3. When you do shut the world out, do it in a way that helps you rather than hurts you. So, instead of retiring to a dark room and lying in bed to brood about your problems, try these: Mind puzzles – logic problems, crosswords, spatial puzzles etc. – jigsaw puzzles, draw or paint, play a musical instrument, write stories, watch TV or a movie, or read a book or a magazine and listen to some music. With a book and music, avoid anything too heavy or deep. Keep it nice and light. In this way, isolation doesn’t become a period of deep introspection where you worry or fret about problems or go over the past or beat up on yourself. You get the peace and tranquillity but not the torment that can accompany it during a depressive episode.

If you feel isolated and that life seems like a “virtual reality”, then please put these techniques to use. Isolation is a part of depression and the key to lessening the impact is to understand how it happens and use it so it helps you beat depression instead of keeping you trapped in it.

Changing Therapist: Good or Bad Idea?

The time has come where I have finally gotten in to see a therapist that has been referred, not by my doctor, but my disability provider.

I learned a lot from my last therapist, whom was also referred by my disability provider, but they feel a change may be needed due to my recurrence happening so soon after my last episode.

Of course, I am full of all kinds of anxiety. The thought of "starting all over" with someone new, isn't appealing to me at all. Yes, revisiting issues I have dealt with will be easier to cope with, but I'd rather not visit them at all and just focus on the things that are causing me the most grief at the present moment.

My new therapist is a male. This too is causing me a great amount of anxiety. I think it has to do with the fact that most of my current issues are very personal, FEMALE issues. My "emotional self" can't stop thinking, "he just won't understand". My "intellectual self" knows this not to be true. A different perspective could be good. Change is good, just not always easy.

It has been some time since I have been off work and dealing with the emotions and anxiety by myself. This too has me very scared. The hard, fresh, emotions I was feeling 7 weeks ago, do not feel out of control at the moment. I know, as soon as therapy begins there will be an intense & eruptive release of every thought, fear, tear & anger I attempted to cope with myself. This extreme release is very frightening. I know I will feel like a slight weight has been lifted off of me after, but it is still part of the journey that is very unpleasant.

In the long run, Im wondering, will this change be a good one? Will changing therapist at this point just make my journey go on longer than I would have ever expected? Im just ready to move forward, and do not want any more delays.

Old Wounds Re-Opened - The Journey Continues

The vicious circle continues. It is a little disappointing, thinking I had gained so much strength and coping skills from my therapy, to be hit with a relapse that, literally, sucked the breath right out of me. I was not prepared for the intensity of these new emotions.

I think the intensity directly relates to the fact that I was struck with severe anxiety out of nowhere. I had no idea what happened or was happening to cause this anxiety. I had never felt my heart/chest hurt so much, enough so I went to the Dr. just to make sure I was not having heart problems. This is the worse I have ever felt.

Once I realized it was, indeed, anxiety, I had to look deep inside myself and figure out what occurred to trigger this. It was many things, knowledge of events in other peoples lives, residual guilt towards my sister, and a lot of ANGER.

The core issue seems to revolve around the fact I can no longer get pregnant. I have never dealt with the pain the hysterectomy caused me emotionally. I was not ready or prepared to make that decision at the time to have that surgery. I have so much anger towards those I feel pushed me into making that decision.

Then my mind circles around to my pregnancy with my daughter and how horrible it was. I was disowned, had a mother who thought I was slut, no pictures of me pregnant, no happiness attached to the pregnancy, at all. I had my own personal relationship with my pregnant belly as I hid in my room.

Then I start to think about the pregnancy/baby that never came to be in my last relationship, with promises of future pregnancies. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for the choices I made in the past. I do not deserve to be pregnant or have another child. These thoughts hurt me immensely.

I try so hard to focus on the positive in my life, and I am quite aware of the things I am grateful for, but the pain is so much stronger than me this time.

I have spent the last 6 weeks isolated in my bedroom at home. I do not take care of my personal hygiene. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. In the past I was able to put on a "front" and function daily, I do not have one bit of energy or motivation to even do that.

I really need to get back into my therapy. I anxiously wait for my long term disability provider to get the paper work together and approve funding my therapy. It looks like it will happen next week. The waiting has caused more harm than good. I slip deeper into the darkness the longer it takes. Remind myself..THIS TOO WILL PASS.

Scared of Change?

Great article I found by Amy Bloom on Oprah.com. Change is difficult for most, but why worry about changes you cannot control?

Change can be wonderful. People improve their appearance, improve their marriages, get great new jobs, even great new spouses. Plus, dear little babies become adorable toddlers, and pretty soon the toddlers can read and then they're having a really nice Sweet Sixteen and their skin clears up and they never talk to you, they fall in love with people you wouldn't allow in your house if you had a choice and they move far away and you rarely get to see the grandchildren.

That's what change is for a lot of us—stuff you have to pretend to embrace even as your heart sinks; you know it's going to end badly and you already feel the inevitable loss. The other awful thing about change is that we want it as much as we fear it and we need it as much as we need safety. I hate my marriage but I'm afraid of being alone. I'm sick of being a lawyer but I don't know how to do anything else.

Good news: It doesn't matter whether you like change or not, whether you embrace it or run in the opposite direction. Not only will changes be taking place, they will be taking place all the time, with and without your participation, from the mouse-sized (they no longer make your favorite suntan lotion) to elephant-sized (death, divorce, and disability). It turns out that even if you make no changes in your lousy marriage, your stultifying job, or your painful relationship with your brother, all those things will change anyway. Your only choice is to take steps toward change (you don't have to quit the job or the marriage all of a sudden), or to wait and see what surprises the universe has for you as you cling to what you thought was safety.

Mostly, change is as inevitable as rain in the spring. Some of us just put on our raincoats and splash forward, some of us choose to stay home, a few admirable nuts shed their clothes and cavort in the yard, and some people go out and get deeply, resentfully, and miserably wet. And no matter what, the rain falls. It falls on dry grass, which is the kind of change we love, and it falls, too, on June weddings and the day you began the Appalachian Trail. Sylvia Boorstein is a Jewish grandmother, a psychotherapist, and a Buddhist, which signifies to me that she must know something about complaining (even quietly) and accepting (not just pretending to). She writes: "We can struggle, or we can surrender. Surrender is a frightening word for some people, because it might be interpreted as passivity, or timidity. Surrender means wisely accommodating ourselves to what is beyond our control. Getting old, getting sick, dying, losing what is dear to us…is beyond our control. I can either be frightened of life and mad at life—or not. I can be disappointed and still not be mad." People get old, plans change, red wine spills on your great-grandmother's tablecloth—there isn't any other way.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I always knew there is always the possibility of a relapse when dealing with mental health issues. I really thought if this happened to me that I had gained enough skills & knowledge to be able to cope & deal with it fast enough that it would not effect my day to day life. Once again, I was wrong.

My progress was amazing. I was back to work full time, enjoying life, and conquering the world. I had a wonderful weekend visit with my sister who was in from Dallas. It is wonderful to have such a bond with a person that it didn't feel like it had been 5 years since we saw each other last. It was a completely drama free weekend.

It caught me off guard. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was completely paralyzed. The anxiety was keeping me up at night, the pain in my chest was frightening. I was confused, as I know, from the past, that my anxiety/depression appears when I experience trauma. There was no trauma, in my eyes, the past weekend.

So, why, after my sister returned to Dallas, did I start having severe anxiety attacks? My own self diagnosis was that going from a extreme happiness to an extreme sadness my body recognized it has trauma and reacted accordingly. I saw my therapist and she confirmed that this was very possible. We talked some more and realized that there were other things that explained my anxiety. One was the witnessing of a motorcycle accident, although I was calm during & after assisting the victim of this accident, but mind & body held on to the unexpressed emotions I felt from this event. Also, there were some stories my sister shared with me about her past, I had no idea that things had gotten so bad in her life. She made it through it all, and I am very proud of her for doing so, but, once again, the unexpressed emotions of guilt, sadness, fear, etc built up. As soon as my body found a moment to absorb all that happened on the weekend, it reacted in a big way. I was too busy, all weekend, enjoying the time with my sister, and being very present in that moment, that I was not going to let anything get in the way of that.

I was so confident when the anxiety started that I had all the skills to work through this quickly, but sometimes things are bigger than you realize, and require more attention then you first thought. This is now the case with me. I haven't been to work in over a week. Although, my anxiety has almost completely subsided, there is still some work to be done. I am hoping I will get into see the specialist within the next few days and be back to work after the long weekend. Is this hopeful thinking? I do not know. All I know is that I definitely do not feel that this relapse is a long term thing. I truly believe I can work through this in a timely manner and get back to living again.

Time For Blogging

I have recently been working really hard with my therapist to get me prepared for my return to work. I returned to work last Thursday for my first time in 8 months. Without the help from my therapist, I truly believe my anxiety would have been much worse than it was. It was completely manageable & I was happy to acquire the skill to cope better with moments of anxiety like this.

Due to my focus on my return to work plan I have not had a chance to blog lately. I just wanted to drop a quick note and let you all know I am still alive & kicking and I should be back to my normal blogging shortly.

I am currently on a gradual return to work plan which has me working half days every second day for the first 2 weeks and then full days every second day for 2 weeks, and then I should be back to full time by mid June.

This journey has been a long & painful one, but I am so grateful for all the amazing support I had from everyone, I could not have done it without you guys. This includes my two beautiful daughters, my wonderful online friends from Twitter, my father, my employer, my boss, my therapist, my RTW coordinator, my rehab consultant and ofcourse all the wonderful support I have received right here on my blog. I will be forever grateful to all of you.

I leave you with this quote that I heard in the movie "Seven Years in Tibet" it has become a favorite quote of mine:

"If the problem can be solved there is no use worrying about it, if it can't, worrying will do no good."

Can't Please Everyone!

I can't please everyone! I'm sorry to the people out there that do not agree with my activities while I am on disability. Maybe it isn't that they do not agree, they just do not understand everything about why I am on disability.

My happiness & my mental health are my top priorities right now. Everything I am doing while off work is for the betterment of my mental health & happiness. I love to write my blog as it gives me an opportunity to work on my focus, that is extremely lacking when depressed. Writing makes me happy, and is very therapeutic for me. I am not going to stop writing just because others do not agree with the activity or what I am writing about.

Out of habit, when anyone questions the way I am, or what I do, or what I'm not doing, I automatically resort to feeling, not good enough. A big part of my therapy has been to work on the damage my mother has done to my way of thinking. With her, I was never good enough, and with this last incident with her, it all came down to not being good enough in her eyes.

It is a tough habit to break, when you have been doing it your entire life. It is a process. I have to stop my knee jerk reaction to want to defend myself. Why do I HAVE to defend myself? I don't. I'm not doing anything wrong. Everything I am doing, I am doing by instruction from my therapist. If I had my way, I would isolate myself for the entire 8 months & do nothing, but that would have been detrimental to my mental health.

People do not seem to understand how hard it is to even do the day to day bare necessities when you are depressed. You have good days & you have bad days. If my therapist didn't tell me to try to get out or have friends over, I would have just drowned in the painful depression I was dealing with, and may never have returned.

It is still hard for me to get out. I'm still isolating myself because it is still hard. I do get out for a daily walk & try to focus on one activity (blog, twitter) for a period of time, but my friends would tell you, I have not been on twitter a lot lately & a lot of my blogs are just shared information, not my personal writing. I try to work on my creativity with little projects, but these projects, that would usually take me 2 days, are taking me almost 2 weeks.

I know being on disability means different things to different people, but being on disability isn't fun at all. Actually, being on disability adds more grief to the already difficult, situation. I know my disability is invisible to everyone & is probably the main reason it is so hard for people to understand what I have been doing for the last 8 months.

I really cannot worry about what other people think anymore, it does me no good at all. My entire life I made choices to please others, it was all about what other people thought of me, mainly my mother. I'm done with this habit. The only person I have to prove anything to is myself. The only person I have to make happy from now on is myself. I will not allow anyone to make me feel guilty for my recent journey. All I would ask for is a little bit of compassion & understanding, even if you don't completely understand. I would do the same for you.

I have made a lot of progress in the last 8 months & I am excited to be finally getting back into the swing of things. I don't want people to worry about me, you know, think I'm fragile or anything. I've learned a lot about myself lately, and have gained a lot of strength through all of this. No one needs to walk on egg shells around me, I am not going to break, I promise.

I'm slowly finding myself again, and I missed me/her as much as, I'm sure, some of you have. Things aren't going to be back to normal, they are going to be back to BETTER than normal. Next step, back to work I go.

Return To Work In The New Future: Change is Good!

I saw my therapist on Thursday after a bit of an absence. It felt good to get back in the routine of seeing her every week, and I will continue to do so for the next 8 weeks, as I plan to return to work, first on a part time basis, gradually working back to my full time basis. I suffered a little regression with this absence from my therapist & a little bit of work needs to be done to get me back on track.

Im looking forward to returning to work. Yes, I am a little nervous, but, who wouldn't be. It has been 8 months since I have been off work. I wasn't even off this long when I had my hysterectomy. The length of this absence is what has me nervous about returning. There is no reason that this should have taken this long. Unfortunately, my hands were tied, and most of my time on disability was waiting for approvals, I would say 50% of the time, was due to this.

None the less, I am looking forward to getting back to the day to day activities in the office. My team is the most amazing, creative, smart group of women and just being around them on a daily basis, always makes me strive to be better, smarter & more creative. I truly have missed that daily inspiration.

I am sure a lot has changed since I have been off. We have elected a new mayor. It will be interesting to see what kind, if any, changes have been made in our group & department, due to this. Before I left we had hired a few more staff members, I didn't get a chance to work with them or really get to know them, I wonder how they have adapted within our team. All in all, I know I will be facing a lot of change upon my return, but change is good from where I am sitting right now. I am ready, with open arms, for change.

Progression Turning To Regression In My Life

I was so excited about my progress & the idea of returning to work in February. The therapy I was receiving was a huge help in this progression. Funny how fast progression can turn to regression.

Thanks to the system, I have not had a therapy session since February. Since my last session I have been waiting for approval to be accepted for rehabilitation services that my disability provider offers. To this day I am still waiting to hear from them regarding the funding they will provide for me to continue my therapy. These services will also work with me and my employer in making my return to work plan. The waiting is getting the best of me. Why didn't they offer these services right from the beginning of my long term disability? Instead they waited until my initial claim expired to offer this to me.

I am crying a lot lately. Alone, cut off from the world, isolated in my room, by choice, of course. The will do to anything is completely absent from my life. I do not want to get out of bed in the morning. I do not want to make any effort to be involved in life right now. Even the efforts of doing things for my friends brings me no pleasure. What happened to me? I've lost myself in this depression. I can't find or see the, once, positive & optimistic self I once was. I miss me.

I can't get over this feeling of the longer I am off work the more people at work are going to judge me. I know to be judged for something like this sounds ridiculous, but it happens. This judgment is a true sign of the stigma attached to mental health. I love my job and the corporation I work for, but, what seems to me, to be lack of support, is really affecting my feeling of self worth.

People do not seem to understand how badly I want to feel better and get back to normalcy of work, friends & family. I have done everything in my power & what has been requested of me to getting better & past all of this. It is no fault of my own that my progress is being hampered by process. Not only is it being hampered, but I truly believe it is causing me to regress.

I feel worse today, in a different way, than I did when all of this began. Im losing touch with everything. I feel nothing, but feel too much all at the same time. I want to call out for help, reach out to a friend, but I feel like I have burdened so many people with all of this. If I were them I would be tired of my shit too. I just want all of it to be over.

I want to be happy again. I want to be positive & optimistic about my life. I keep telling myself that this is just another bump in the road & that this, too, will pass, but those words & thoughts aren't bringing me the comfort that they use to.

The light at the end of the tunnel is no longer in view & Im completely lost on what to do. Patience needs to become my friend as I continue this journey.

My Never Ending Mental Health Journey

I have now been on a mental health leave from work for almost 6 months. When all of this started I had no idea this journey would be as long as it has been. If you asked me 3 months ago how I felt about my progress I would have told you, I see the light & feel optimistic about returning to work quickly.

Today, I feel differently. Do not get me wrong, I have made ALOT of progress with this since it started, but just when I think I have dealt with it all, my therapist comes up with the next step. First, I had to deal with the event that started all of this. Second, I had to deal with the unspoken feelings I had towards my mother & how she has treated me my entire life. Third, I had to look at myself and I how I deal & categorize difficult people in my life, in an unhealthy manner. Fourth, it was time to get back out in the world. Needed to face my anxiety & get out and about. I'm still struggling with this one, I can have people over, but I feel overwhelmed when I have to go out. Fifth, it was time to make a plan. A plan on how I would deal with my mother if she were to contact me. I need to do this so I am better able to cope with the normal stress that comes from these contacts.

This is the step I am currently at. It is a difficult one for me, as I have always been on the edge of my seat or walking on egg shells wondering what is going to happen with the next contact from my mother. I feel, even if I have a plan on how to deal with this, that it won't alleviate the stress of the unknown I have with my mother. So I am working on this.

As you can see, there may or may not be many more steps to go for me. We still have not gotten to how I am going to deal with the stress I am feeling with returning to work. I feel I am getting depressed being off work this long, and that the transition back to work is going to be more difficult the longer I am off.

I miss the daily routine of going into the office. I miss work. But I understand I need to finish this journey to ensure that I am at my best before returning. I have complete faith & trust in my therapist.

I was doing some research on transitioning back to work after being off on a mental health leave and I came across this Free Emotional Wellness Self-Assessment and decided to take it. According to this assessment, I am still in great need of more therapy.

Want to find out if you are suffering from depression, anxiety or stress? Take this Free Emotional Wellness Self-Assessment and find out. The report they provide after is amazing, which also provides things you can do to help yourself. When filling out the information, I just used a fake business name to proceed. Let me know your thoughts on the assessment.

Let the journey continue!

Therapy Assignment #1

My therapist asked me to write about the experience this past summer that has caused this little set back in my mental health journey.  It was very difficult to do, but has helped a lot with alleviating my anxiety. I struggled with sharing this story, but I thought it was important, to not only show how physical abuse occurs, but also how verbal/emotional abuse, leave scars that can't always be seen with the naked eye.

Through my therapy I have come to realize I have been abused my entire life by my mother.  I was never spanked as a child, but I was ALWAYS verbally/emotionally abused by my mother.  This is the story of one of many experience of abuse that I suffered at the hands of my mother.

Here is what my mother had to say about this situation on Facebook.  These are her exact words “What do you do with 2 ungrateful, disrespectful daughters? Accept responsibility for the part you played in making them that way and give in to their wiles and smooth things over or take a stand? This time I chose to take a stand...lets see what happens:)"

I do not think being ungrateful or disrespectful, which we weren't, gives anyone permission to abuse another person. PERIOD.

___________________________________________________

This is my second attempt at writing about my experience with my mother on my birthday weekend.  Just a split second of thought about what happened sends me into severe anxiety.  I have not even started to write about it and I am shaking and my chest hurts.  I feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

The question that keeps going through my head is “Why?”  Why me? Why does she treat me this way? Why does she want to hurt me? Why?

It was a great birthday weekend.  I was celebrating turning 40 by having a 4 day party.  This was the second time I was spending time with my mother since we started talking again.  I had cut off all communication back when my daughter graduated from HS.  My mother, once again, was not happy with our lifestyle and started a fight and became very verbally abusive to both myself and my daughter.  As per the norm, I did not stand up to her, but my daughter did.  This did not please my mother at all, if anything it made the matter worse.  She ranted about how disrespectful my daughter was and how my parenting skills where the reason for my daughters “bad” behaviour.   I was very proud of my daughter for standing up to her and wished I had the ability to do that too.  I still fear my mother. 

3 years passed and I was going through some health difficulties and required surgery.  My mother wanted to come and take care of me for the week after my surgery.  At first, I had the usual feelings of worry, doubt & anxiety.  The last thing I needed was my mother coming and starting the usual trouble that comes with her while I am trying to recover from major surgery.  She arrived and I was pleasantly surprised, she was oddly optimistic/positive.  Had she changed? Had she gotten help?  I thought so.  After her visit I felt so good.  I told people her visit was so good for my soul. This was not what anyone expected, including myself. 

Fast forward 6 months.  My 40^th Birthday.  My mother insisted she was not going to miss this milestone birthday and that she would be joining us for the weekend.  Since our last visit went so well, this was the first time I was excited to have my mother come visit. EVER.

We went out for a night of karaoke.  Things seemed to be going well, until I realized my mother was missing for most of the night.  She was at the slots.  I wasn’t going to let this damper my evening.  I discreetly asked friends to ask her to come back to the table.  This had to be done a few times in the night.  I just told myself if this is the worst of it, it wasn’t too bad.  She has a problem! I wasn’t going to dwell.  I had an amazing evening with my friends & family.

The second night was a surprise party.  The party itself was not a surprise, the theme was the surprise.  I was sent out of the house for most of the day so they could prepare.  My mother & daughter got to work.  My daughter did so much running around & I was so grateful for all that she did to make this birthday special for me. My mother was responsible for making all the food with help from others.  She was also responsible for purchasing all the alcohol for the party.  My mother was a superstar when it came to putting this party together with my daughter.  I made sure I told her this all night.  I was so happy & I made sure she knew how happy I was.  I showered love & appreciation on her all night long in private and to everyone at the party.  The guests also showed their appreciation to her.  The night was a huge success.

I am crying, anxiety level  10, shaking, really do not want to revisit this. Still hearing the question in my head, “Why?”

The party ended, all the guests were gone and my daughter & boyfriend were in bed for the night.  It was just my mother and I still up.  We were discussing the party in the kitchen & how grateful I was for the evening.  I guess I was not showing my gratitude in the way my mother wanted, I do not know, but she started going on a rant about respect & how she wasn’t feeling it from me.  I was shocked.  She grabbed me by the wrists and demanded that I respect her. I told her not to put her hands on me like that.  She was scaring me.  We started to argue about how you have to earn respect it isn’t something you are entitled to.  She DEMANDED respect & believed she was entitled to it.  She grabbed me by the wrists and pushed me, I fell, and I fell hard. Hard enough where there is now a hole in my wall the size of my body.  I started to cry, I could not believe what was happening.  At this time my daughter & her boyfriend woke up and came out and stepped in between my mother & I.  All hell broke loose.  It is all such a blur, everything happened so fast.  My mother, somehow, got my daughter up against the wall by her throat.  I thought she was going to kill her.  I went into protective mode and got my mother up against the wall by her throat, and asked her how it felt.  She kept threatening me to hit her.  “Come on hit me, hit me”.  I put my fist up to her face knowing I could never hit her, I could never hit anyone, put I wanted to so bad, how dare she put her hands on my daughter.  I backed off.  She continued to go on her rant about respect and was jumping around like a mad woman.  Melissa & Ryan asked me to sit down and stay out of it as they tried to calm my mother down.  I sat shaking & crying in the chair as I watched them “try” to calm her down, but she just continued to attack them both verbally & physically.  Enough was enough, Ryan called the police.

Everything to this point felt like a dream or nightmare.  It couldn’t be real. How could a mother do something like this to their own child? Why was my mother doing this to me? Why was she so angry? Nothing is ever good enough for her.  I did not respect her good enough.  I did not show my gratitude good enough.  I did not raise my daughter good enough.  My house wasn’t good enough.  My job wasn’t good enough.  I felt, if she had a choice, she would want a different daughter, a daughter that was good enough. 

The police finally arrived, and not a minute too soon.  The officer did what he was suppose to do and got the details on what had gone done.  Ryan, Melissa & I were all calm at this point but my mother was still ranting about herself, saying things like “Do you know who I am?” “I have a PHD” .. the officer asked her many times to calm down, go to bed and suggested we all talk about it in the morning.  She was having none of it.  She then jumped in the officer’s face, it happened so quick, he grabbed her arm & threw her to the ground & slapped the handcuffs on her.  Holy fuck, was this happening, I only see this shit on TV.  Once again I was shocked and could not believe what I was seeing.  My own mother being arrested. 

The officer hauled her off to his car.  We had to make sure he knew that my mother was donating her kidney on the following Thursday & required her meds while she was in JAIL.   My mother should not even had been drinking due to this surgery on Thursday.  She was taken to jail.

After she was gone we all took pictures of our wounds.  I had bruises all over my wrists, my daughter had bruises on her neck and Ryan had scratches all over his body.  Why did we take pictures?  I do not know.  For proof maybe, because how could anyone believe all of this.  I could barely believe it.  I sure didn’t take the pictures for memories.  All I want to do is forget this ever happened.  Im ashamed & embarrassed that this happened.  How much of her behaviour is a reflection of myself?  This isn’t me, but could it be? 

Now that she was gone, the guilt set in.  OH MY GOD, I just sent my mother to jail.  What kind of daughter am I? I called all the family back home to let them know what happened & that I had no idea what was going to happen with her next.  Was she going to be ok for the kidney surgery on Thursday? This kidney was going to save my uncle’s life...what had I done by sending my mother to jail? 

My family back home reassured me that everything would be ok.  That this was not the first time this had happened with my mother.  WTF?  This has happened before? She had mentioned to me that she had been in the drunk tank due to research she was doing with the native gangs in Winnipeg.  This was not true, I was told.  My family was very angry that she was drinking when she knew it was detrimental that she didn’t drink before the surgery.  What was she thinking? This could ruin the chances of my uncle surviving.

I spent the good part of the morning trying to find my mother to ensure that she was ok and that, wherever she was, that they were aware of her upcoming surgery and her need for her meds.  I had no luck.  Due to confidentiality purposes they were not allowed to release any information.  I continued to feel so much guilt.  Was I going to responsible for the failure of my uncle’s kidney transplant? Why didn’t I stop my mom from drinking? That is an easy answer; you can’t stop my mom from doing ANYTHING.  Regardless, the guilt keeps on building.

Time seemed to stand still while I waited for my mother to return.  I had no idea how long she would be held in jail.  I have never had to deal with this before, I had no idea how things work in the justice system.   The waiting was killing me, the guilt was unbearable, anxiety was extreme.  My mind was racing.  Would she even come back here? How was she going to react?  Was there going to be another fight?  Would she even talk to me? I was so scared.  I felt like I was a child waiting for the parent to get home knowing you were going to be in trouble for something.  All I wanted to do is hide.

My mother finally returned to the house.  She came to my bedroom immediately.  She knocked at the door, I was going to pretend to be sleeping.  She called out my name, I responded and got up and unlocked the door, terrified.  She hugged me instantly and said she was so sorry & that she loved me.  I was confused.   That was it.  That is all she said.  She then when to the guest room & rested.  I locked myself my room for the rest of the evening.  She was still going to be here tomorrow.  You could feel the tension in the air.  My daughter stayed in her room the entire time she was here, avoiding her.  I wanted to avoid her too, but it wasn’t possible. 

She went out the next day and bought food for a birthday feast & a cake.  This wasn't going to make it better.  What was she thinking? Were we suppose to be grateful for this food, after what you just did to us? Nothing else had been said about anything at this point.  This was going to be a long Monday.  She wasn’t expected to leave until the next day.  Thank goodness I had to work the next day, gave me a good excuse to go to bed early & not have to see her off the next day.  The conversation was limited all day, we even ate dinner in separate rooms.  It really felt like the calm before the storm.  Boy was I right about this.

Went to work the next day, happy to be out of the house and away from the constant reminders of what went down on the weekend.  Shortly after I arrived at work I received an email from my mother.  She was asking for all the money back that she put into my party due the lack of respect we all had towards her.  WTF? She said she was sorry she had to do this and that she loved me but she felt I did not deserve anything she did for me over the weekend & that Melissa was so disrespectful and did not spend the money she gave her on the right things for the party.  None of this was true. Once again, I wasn’t good enough for her.  I was so angry at this point.  I did not even bother to respond to her email.  I was done.  Time to cut her off for good.  I could no longer allow these kinds of relations in my life, even if it is my mother.   I felt I was so happy, stable & well balanced in my life that I could not risk having someone like her in my life causing any kind of unhealthy reaction from me.  She was never going to change.  I cannot control her behaviour but I can control allowing her behaviour in my life.

I stayed focused at work for the entire week until the day of the kidney transplant came.  It had only been 3 days since my mother left & the last thing I wanted to do was think about her in any way.  I did what I probably shouldn’t have did, ignored the negative feelings I was having, and focused on the good in my life, the things I was grateful for.  The problem with this, we all know, is that those negative feelings don’t go away just because you choose not to think about them.

Once she was alright, it really hit home.  The events up to this day had really left me feeling unstable emotionally.  I couldn’t close my eyes without visioning the abuse I went through.  I would wake up from nightmares of my mother abusing me to the point of near death.  I would have nightmares that I killed my mother in self defense.  The nightmares became bad enough where I would not sleep for days.  All the horrible things she ever said or did to me growing up all started to flood back. I needed help, my life was falling apart, spiraling out of control and I had no idea what to do.  Well I knew what to do, I had to see my doctor and see her fast.

 

I thought I was strong enough to get through this by myself.  Due to the major depression I suffered from a few years back,  I thought I had learned the skills to better help me cope with situations like this.  I was wrong.  I did not feel as out of control as I did back in the dark days of my depression, but I definitely was not in a place where I was capable of helping myself get through this.  I knew I needed help and I got the help as soon as I could.

The journey is very painful, sometimes unbearable, I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, but also see the long road before it.  This too will pass.

__________________________________________________

Having to relive the experience was difficult, but rereading this assignment a few times, really help alleviate the anxiety.  My next assignment is to write a letter to my mother telling her how she has made me feel my entire life, with no intent of ever sending it.  This assignment is going to be much harder than this one was.

Struggles With My Mind - Part 2

After rereading my last post, I realized it was a little misleading with when my journey with depression started.  When I stated that it began 3 years ago, it was the darkest of dark point of my depression that began.  Rock bottom.

Depression has been apart of my life for as long as I can remember.  I lost a relative to suicide at a very young age.  I saw struggles with mental health issues in my family growing up.  I had my own struggles in my teen years with a couple suicide attempts of my own.

The funny thing is, or maybe it isn't funny, but not once did I ever hear the word "depression" until 3 years ago, when I was diagnosed "officially".  It was only when I was diagnosed that I realized I had been suffering from depression for a very, very long time.  All the years that had gone by with unresolved issues within me.

When I started to deal with these issues from over 2 decades it became too much for me.  It was unbearable, I couldn't breath, I couldn't move and it just kept getting deeper and deeper and darker and darker.  It was the worst feeling I had ever felt in my life.  Unstable. Out of control. Hopeless.

I sit here today and marvel at how strong I really am to have been able to come out of that dark place on the other side a much better, happy, positive & grateful person.  Yes, Im struggling with the darkness right now, but I have every bit of confidence that...THIS TOO WILL PASS.

Struggles With My Mind

As I sit her staring at this blank screen, I'm wondering, what should I say, do I need to say anything...I should say something...I feel the need to say something. Those who know me very well know I have recently gone through a very traumatizing experience in my life, an experience that struck me to my core.  I'm not going to get into the gory details of the events, as the details are not relevant to why I am sharing this.

It is no secret that I have suffered from depression in the past.  I'm hesitant using the words "in the past" as I think this is a disease that you suffer with your entire life.  My journey with depression started 3 years ago, and let me tell you the first 2 years were the darkest days of my entire life.

If you ask the people that have met me in the last year they would tell you there was no way this positive, uplifting & grateful person was/is depressed. It was a long journey, with a lot of tears, anger, shame, and the biggest part of my depression was blame. I learned to let go of things that held no purpose or meaning in my present.  I read some great books that helped me find the correct path for my mental health journey. As of 3 weeks ago I would have told you I was the happiest, most well balanced, grateful person in the entire world.


How can one event demolish all that worked hard to build? I thought I was stronger. I thought I had gained the skills to be able to cope with whatever came my way.  I was wrong.  This event was so traumatizing that I am having great difficulty sleeping, waking up from nightmares, scared to close my eyes, so just remain awake.  I tried to fill my time with constant activity for days to keep my mind off of it..didn't help. The images are still there.

I have spoken with a therapist, it helps to talk about it.  I thought I had talked about it enough over the last 3 weeks, that I had gained some strength from it, until today, my next appointment, and my anxiety level rapidly increased. I'm so torn at this point.  I want to talk about it so I can get past it..but I'm sick of talking about it and want to just get past it.  It is exhausting.

The strength and knowledge I have learned from my journey so far with my depression is best described in a quote I often use, "This too will pass".  Even the happiest people have moments of sadness.  A moment of sadness is upon me..I'm glad I had the skills to be aware of warning signs in myself with my mental health. As I have no idea where I would be right now if this happened to me 3 years ago.

I just wanted to share with everyone that people who suffer with depression struggle on an ongoing basis.  Dealing with depression isn't like shutting a light off, it just doesn't go away. Some aren't as lucky as me to be able to know the power you have over your own thoughts.  I have learned this from these recent events..even though you function in a happy, health, grateful manner doesn't mean you aren't susceptible to the dark side of depression every now and then.  Although, I have found out I am not as strong as I thought I was, I am confident that the skills I have acquired from my journey with depression that I will be bouncing back from these events sooner than later.

Lots of Love
Miss Candy

A Moment of Sadness is Upon ME

I had a really rough night last night, both emotionally and physically. I was up until 6:00 AM. My mind would not rest. I have been feeling excited, anxious, nervous, relieved and sad, at all once.

If you do not know, I will be having a hysterectomy on Wednesday, February 10, 2010. I was originally having the surgery on March 3, so when I received the phone call from my doctor saying my surgery has been pushed up, I was totally caught off guard, and overwhelmed with confusing feelings, as this meant finality was nearer than I was prepared for.

At first they were going to be doing a Endometrial Ablation (see video in previous blog to learn more about this procedure)which would allow me to keep my uterus, ovaries, cervix and fallopian tubes. As time went by and another review of my symptoms, my doctor thought that the Ablation would only be a band-aid for my symptoms and that their was a huge risk that the procedure would not be successful. She stated that a hysterectomy would be the best option to guarantee a successful outcome. This too was a shock to my system, one day I was having one procedure that was only day surgery, and the next I was having a surgery that would require a stay in the hospital. THIS MADE ME VERY NERVOUS.

So as you see I have had a lot of different things thrown at me a little unexpectedly. Such is life, but it has still been hard to handle. Yes, I am very happy that very shortly I will not be suffering anymore. No more pain. No more spending day after day after day in my bed. No more pills of all kind to help me cope. I will have my life back, which I have been missing for almost 2 years now. Im tired of being bed ridden, going on 4 months now. I miss my work. I miss my day to day activities. The only thing that has me sad, is that the opportunity of feeling a baby move, kick and grow inside of me will be gone, FOREVER! Yes, I can adopt, use surrogacy, etc..but feeling a baby grow inside of you is an experience in itself, that I am very saddened by the fact this opportunity isn't possible anymore for me.

I am a single mother and am very grateful for the beautiful daughter I have, but this is where some of this sadness comes from. I was a teenage pregnant girl at 17 years old. I had, somewhat, of a strict mother, who wasn't very proud to find out her baby girl was pregnant at such a young age. It was "decided" that I would give up this baby for adoption. I attend a high school for pregnant teenagers to keep up on my high school credits. But that was about all that I did that seemed in the norm of a pregnancy. There were no pictures of me pregnant, no one fawning over me wanting to touch my belly, no baby shower (came after the fact). I honestly felt like a dirty little secret in my family. I gave birth to my daughter on July 5. Since I was giving her up for adoption they did not allow me to see her at all once she came out of me. I did get a chance to see her a couple of times once I was comfortable in my bed. On the last day of my stay in the hospital, I called my mother to let her know I was being discharged. I had this huge lump in my throat and emptiness in my heart. At that very moment, my life changed forever! My mother said she couldn't let her be given up for adoption, and the rest is history. But as you can see it wasn't a memorable pregnancy at all. I was looking forward to getting married and sharing in the joyous experience of pregnancy with whom ever I married. Not going to happen now. So I hope this gives you a little more insight into what I have been going through emotionally. Yes, physically I cannot wait to feel "normal" again, but it is at a great price in my heart and soul that I am paying for this normalcy.

Do not get me wrong, I am grateful for the beautiful daughter I have, the wonderful family supporting me, and great friends that are always there for me. I am also grateful for a half decent health care system in place that is allowing me to have this surgery at no cost to me, some people in other parts of the world aren't so lucky.

On a closing note; I will no longer have to be a walking crime scene..a bloody mess. Time heals all wounds. This too will pass. Stay strong, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, even if that statement seems a little understated to me right now. Im hanging in there.

Miss Candy

Am I Still A Woman?

That is the question that I have allowed to enter my mind lately, since I found out I will be having a hysterectomy instead of an ablation, as my doctor felt that the endometrial ablation would be only a band aid for my problem and may not even resolve my issue. So instead of risking me having to suffering any longer, my doctor feels a hysterectomy is the best avenue to take.

I am an intelligent woman. I know I am still a woman and will be until the day I die. I know it is just my mind trying to play tricks on me and confuse me into thinking I am going to be less woman without my womb. 99.9% of the time I do not let my mind trick me, Im too smart for that. That .1% of the time, has me writing this post.

The most sadness that is upon me is from the fact I will no longer be able to have babies. I had my daughter very young and was dreaming of one day having another child, that dream is no more. Yes, I can adopt, yes there are many different options for having another child. That is not the point. The opportunity to feel something growing in me, kicking and moving will never happen again. I was so young with my first child I did not take the time to cherish those moments when I was pregnant. This is what saddens me the most about all of this.

On a positive note, I am grateful that I will no longer be suffering and will be able to get my life back on track and some resemblance of normalcy. Im very excited that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am grateful that I was lucky enough to experience the joy of pregnancy with my daughter, as I know there are many woman who never get that opportunity. I count my blessings.

Now if I could only get my long term disability claim approved.

Miss Candy

The Joys of Being Bed Ridden

One of the main reasons I started this blog was to share my experience of being bed ridden for the last 3 months with at least another 2 months to go. I suffer from menorrhagia. What is menorrhagia? The correct medical definition of menorrhagia is the passage of more than 80ml of blood each period. It is seldom realistic or practical, however, to actually measure the blood loss and so doctors rely on the woman's description of her period.

Periods are considered heavy when:

* a woman bleeds for more than 8 to 10 days, especially if this is repeated month after month.
* a woman bleeds so much that it is difficult for her to attend her job. She may be forced to plan her holidays and leisure time according to the timings of her period.
* the bleeding is continuously so heavy that the woman becomes anaemic.
* the presence of other than small clots for more than one or two days suggests heavy periods.
* 'flooding' describes the sudden, unexpected onset of periods, like turning on a tap, and indicates heavy periods.

My periods last up to 3 weeks and are so heavy I cannot even move without having an accident. The cramps are very severe requiring pain medicine to provide me some relief. I had the Mirena IUD inserted back in April with hopes that it would help with the bleeding. Unfortunately there was no relief with the use of the Mirena. The next step is surgery. So I am now awaiting to get in for a surgery called Endometrial Ablation. With this procedure they will be burning off the lining of my uterus they will also be tying my tubes.

All of this has been pretty overwhelming for me, as I have been suffering for almost 2 years. I did have dreams of having another baby in the future, but this procedure will make it impossible for me to have anymore children. Ofcourse this fact is very saddening for me. Im grateful for the one child I do have and there is always adoption and surrogacy, but the dream of feeling a baby kicking inside of me is gone.

Due to all of this I thought I would start this blog to share my experience and hopefully find others who have gone through the same thing and are willing to share the experiences with me. I am hoping this blog will give support to both myself and anyone else who may require it.

If you know anyone or you yourself have gone through this I would love to hear from you. Share your experience.

Miss Candy