Thursday, September 16, 2010

Struggles With My Mind

As I sit her staring at this blank screen, I'm wondering, what should I say, do I need to say anything...I should say something...I feel the need to say something. Those who know me very well know I have recently gone through a very traumatizing experience in my life, an experience that struck me to my core.  I'm not going to get into the gory details of the events, as the details are not relevant to why I am sharing this.

It is no secret that I have suffered from depression in the past.  I'm hesitant using the words "in the past" as I think this is a disease that you suffer with your entire life.  My journey with depression started 3 years ago, and let me tell you the first 2 years were the darkest days of my entire life.

If you ask the people that have met me in the last year they would tell you there was no way this positive, uplifting & grateful person was/is depressed. It was a long journey, with a lot of tears, anger, shame, and the biggest part of my depression was blame. I learned to let go of things that held no purpose or meaning in my present.  I read some great books that helped me find the correct path for my mental health journey. As of 3 weeks ago I would have told you I was the happiest, most well balanced, grateful person in the entire world.

How can one event demolish all that worked hard to build? I thought I was stronger. I thought I had gained the skills to be able to cope with whatever came my way.  I was wrong.  This event was so traumatizing that I am having great difficulty sleeping, waking up from nightmares, scared to close my eyes, so just remain awake.  I tried to fill my time with constant activity for days to keep my mind off of it..didn't help. The images are still there.

I have spoken with a therapist, it helps to talk about it.  I thought I had talked about it enough over the last 3 weeks, that I had gained some strength from it, until today, my next appointment, and my anxiety level rapidly increased. I'm so torn at this point.  I want to talk about it so I can get past it..but I'm sick of talking about it and want to just get past it.  It is exhausting.

The strength and knowledge I have learned from my journey so far with my depression is best described in a quote I often use, "This too will pass".  Even the happiest people have moments of sadness.  A moment of sadness is upon me..I'm glad I had the skills to be aware of warning signs in myself with my mental health. As I have no idea where I would be right now if this happened to me 3 years ago.

I just wanted to share with everyone that people who suffer with depression struggle on an ongoing basis.  Dealing with depression isn't like shutting a light off, it just doesn't go away. Some aren't as lucky as me to be able to know the power you have over your own thoughts.  I have learned this from these recent events..even though you function in a happy, health, grateful manner doesn't mean you aren't susceptible to the dark side of depression every now and then.  Although, I have found out I am not as strong as I thought I was, I am confident that the skills I have acquired from my journey with depression that I will be bouncing back from these events sooner than later.

Lots of Love
Miss Candy

1 comment:

  1. Candy this is what my friend so lovingly shared with me when I had a relapse in May - Lee it's just a speed bump!

    this is a beautiful post, shared with such authenticity - I applaud you for your courage!

    Lots of Love