I had a really rough night last night, both emotionally and physically. I was up until 6:00 AM. My mind would not rest. I have been feeling excited, anxious, nervous, relieved and sad, at all once.
If you do not know, I will be having a hysterectomy on Wednesday, February 10, 2010. I was originally having the surgery on March 3, so when I received the phone call from my doctor saying my surgery has been pushed up, I was totally caught off guard, and overwhelmed with confusing feelings, as this meant finality was nearer than I was prepared for.
At first they were going to be doing a Endometrial Ablation (see video in previous blog to learn more about this procedure)which would allow me to keep my uterus, ovaries, cervix and fallopian tubes. As time went by and another review of my symptoms, my doctor thought that the Ablation would only be a band-aid for my symptoms and that their was a huge risk that the procedure would not be successful. She stated that a hysterectomy would be the best option to guarantee a successful outcome. This too was a shock to my system, one day I was having one procedure that was only day surgery, and the next I was having a surgery that would require a stay in the hospital. THIS MADE ME VERY NERVOUS.
So as you see I have had a lot of different things thrown at me a little unexpectedly. Such is life, but it has still been hard to handle. Yes, I am very happy that very shortly I will not be suffering anymore. No more pain. No more spending day after day after day in my bed. No more pills of all kind to help me cope. I will have my life back, which I have been missing for almost 2 years now. Im tired of being bed ridden, going on 4 months now. I miss my work. I miss my day to day activities. The only thing that has me sad, is that the opportunity of feeling a baby move, kick and grow inside of me will be gone, FOREVER! Yes, I can adopt, use surrogacy, etc..but feeling a baby grow inside of you is an experience in itself, that I am very saddened by the fact this opportunity isn't possible anymore for me.
I am a single mother and am very grateful for the beautiful daughter I have, but this is where some of this sadness comes from. I was a teenage pregnant girl at 17 years old. I had, somewhat, of a strict mother, who wasn't very proud to find out her baby girl was pregnant at such a young age. It was "decided" that I would give up this baby for adoption. I attend a high school for pregnant teenagers to keep up on my high school credits. But that was about all that I did that seemed in the norm of a pregnancy. There were no pictures of me pregnant, no one fawning over me wanting to touch my belly, no baby shower (came after the fact). I honestly felt like a dirty little secret in my family. I gave birth to my daughter on July 5. Since I was giving her up for adoption they did not allow me to see her at all once she came out of me. I did get a chance to see her a couple of times once I was comfortable in my bed. On the last day of my stay in the hospital, I called my mother to let her know I was being discharged. I had this huge lump in my throat and emptiness in my heart. At that very moment, my life changed forever! My mother said she couldn't let her be given up for adoption, and the rest is history. But as you can see it wasn't a memorable pregnancy at all. I was looking forward to getting married and sharing in the joyous experience of pregnancy with whom ever I married. Not going to happen now. So I hope this gives you a little more insight into what I have been going through emotionally. Yes, physically I cannot wait to feel "normal" again, but it is at a great price in my heart and soul that I am paying for this normalcy.
Do not get me wrong, I am grateful for the beautiful daughter I have, the wonderful family supporting me, and great friends that are always there for me. I am also grateful for a half decent health care system in place that is allowing me to have this surgery at no cost to me, some people in other parts of the world aren't so lucky.
On a closing note; I will no longer have to be a walking crime scene..a bloody mess. Time heals all wounds. This too will pass. Stay strong, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, even if that statement seems a little understated to me right now. Im hanging in there.