Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Connecting With My Inner Child - Therapy Drawings

Through therapy the realization that my depression lies mostly with the abused inner child in me. It is the child in that has been suffering. The child in me that feels the unbelievable pain. With an amazing therapist I have been able to get in touch with this child and help her heal from all that she is suffering from. One thing my therapist asked me to do is find an activity that I enjoyed doing as a young girl. I loved to colour & draw for most of my childhood, so I decided to go out and by an art pad and pencil crayons. When I was feeling pain, anxiety or any overwhelming emotion, I would try to pick up my pad & crayons. Here are some of my first drawings:
Ever picture I drew I never had an image in mind to work towards, I simply picked which ever colour striked me at the moment and started with that. I am by no means an artist, but it sure to make the little girl in me happy & calm. I even started drawing pictures with oil pastels. This is definitely something I will continue doing for a long time.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

If I Should Die Before I Wake, The Pain Became Too Much To Take

As you can see, I have not posted an update regarding my mental health journey in a while. In the last few months it seems, with the help of my therapist, I have delved into, what I think, has been the darkest part of my journey.  I know I have said that before, but I was wrong.  The darkness surrounds me and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

There have been some very hard and painful realizations that have come up through my therapy.  These realizations have me feeling so broken, unloved, unworthy and very unsure of who I am and where I belong in this world.  These realizations have opened a can of 40 years of pain, that I was not allowed to feel or recognize until now.  Realization of abuse my entire life, abandonment and my entire belief system of right and wrong is completely questionable now.

The pain is so unbearable at times, that thoughts of suicide enter my head.  The thoughts are more often than not lately. My days and nights are currently filled with darkness and I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel on a daily basis.  I'm working through this will my therapist and he is aware of these thoughts.  Still very scary.  The pain becomes so unbearable that I just do not want to feel anymore, I just want it to stop.

With all of this going on, I just have not been up to doing anything that I use to enjoy doing, including writing my blog.  I just wanted to provide this quick update and let you know, I will be back as soon as the light prevails.  Will share more details of these horribly, dark part of my mental health journey.