Thursday, March 24, 2011
Progression Turning To Regression In My Life
Thanks to the system, I have not had a therapy session since February. Since my last session I have been waiting for approval to be accepted for rehabilitation services that my disability provider offers. To this day I am still waiting to hear from them regarding the funding they will provide for me to continue my therapy. These services will also work with me and my employer in making my return to work plan. The waiting is getting the best of me. Why didn't they offer these services right from the beginning of my long term disability? Instead they waited until my initial claim expired to offer this to me.
I am crying a lot lately. Alone, cut off from the world, isolated in my room, by choice, of course. The will do to anything is completely absent from my life. I do not want to get out of bed in the morning. I do not want to make any effort to be involved in life right now. Even the efforts of doing things for my friends brings me no pleasure. What happened to me? I've lost myself in this depression. I can't find or see the, once, positive & optimistic self I once was. I miss me.
I can't get over this feeling of the longer I am off work the more people at work are going to judge me. I know to be judged for something like this sounds ridiculous, but it happens. This judgment is a true sign of the stigma attached to mental health. I love my job and the corporation I work for, but, what seems to me, to be lack of support, is really affecting my feeling of self worth.
People do not seem to understand how badly I want to feel better and get back to normalcy of work, friends & family. I have done everything in my power & what has been requested of me to getting better & past all of this. It is no fault of my own that my progress is being hampered by process. Not only is it being hampered, but I truly believe it is causing me to regress.
I feel worse today, in a different way, than I did when all of this began. Im losing touch with everything. I feel nothing, but feel too much all at the same time. I want to call out for help, reach out to a friend, but I feel like I have burdened so many people with all of this. If I were them I would be tired of my shit too. I just want all of it to be over.
I want to be happy again. I want to be positive & optimistic about my life. I keep telling myself that this is just another bump in the road & that this, too, will pass, but those words & thoughts aren't bringing me the comfort that they use to.
The light at the end of the tunnel is no longer in view & Im completely lost on what to do. Patience needs to become my friend as I continue this journey.