Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Old Wounds Re-Opened - The Journey Continues

The vicious circle continues. It is a little disappointing, thinking I had gained so much strength and coping skills from my therapy, to be hit with a relapse that, literally, sucked the breath right out of me. I was not prepared for the intensity of these new emotions.

I think the intensity directly relates to the fact that I was struck with severe anxiety out of nowhere. I had no idea what happened or was happening to cause this anxiety. I had never felt my heart/chest hurt so much, enough so I went to the Dr. just to make sure I was not having heart problems. This is the worse I have ever felt.

Once I realized it was, indeed, anxiety, I had to look deep inside myself and figure out what occurred to trigger this. It was many things, knowledge of events in other peoples lives, residual guilt towards my sister, and a lot of ANGER.

The core issue seems to revolve around the fact I can no longer get pregnant. I have never dealt with the pain the hysterectomy caused me emotionally. I was not ready or prepared to make that decision at the time to have that surgery. I have so much anger towards those I feel pushed me into making that decision.

Then my mind circles around to my pregnancy with my daughter and how horrible it was. I was disowned, had a mother who thought I was slut, no pictures of me pregnant, no happiness attached to the pregnancy, at all. I had my own personal relationship with my pregnant belly as I hid in my room.

Then I start to think about the pregnancy/baby that never came to be in my last relationship, with promises of future pregnancies. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished for the choices I made in the past. I do not deserve to be pregnant or have another child. These thoughts hurt me immensely.

I try so hard to focus on the positive in my life, and I am quite aware of the things I am grateful for, but the pain is so much stronger than me this time.

I have spent the last 6 weeks isolated in my bedroom at home. I do not take care of my personal hygiene. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. In the past I was able to put on a "front" and function daily, I do not have one bit of energy or motivation to even do that.

I really need to get back into my therapy. I anxiously wait for my long term disability provider to get the paper work together and approve funding my therapy. It looks like it will happen next week. The waiting has caused more harm than good. I slip deeper into the darkness the longer it takes. Remind myself..THIS TOO WILL PASS.