Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I always knew there is always the possibility of a relapse when dealing with mental health issues. I really thought if this happened to me that I had gained enough skills & knowledge to be able to cope & deal with it fast enough that it would not effect my day to day life. Once again, I was wrong.

My progress was amazing. I was back to work full time, enjoying life, and conquering the world. I had a wonderful weekend visit with my sister who was in from Dallas. It is wonderful to have such a bond with a person that it didn't feel like it had been 5 years since we saw each other last. It was a completely drama free weekend.

It caught me off guard. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was completely paralyzed. The anxiety was keeping me up at night, the pain in my chest was frightening. I was confused, as I know, from the past, that my anxiety/depression appears when I experience trauma. There was no trauma, in my eyes, the past weekend.

So, why, after my sister returned to Dallas, did I start having severe anxiety attacks? My own self diagnosis was that going from a extreme happiness to an extreme sadness my body recognized it has trauma and reacted accordingly. I saw my therapist and she confirmed that this was very possible. We talked some more and realized that there were other things that explained my anxiety. One was the witnessing of a motorcycle accident, although I was calm during & after assisting the victim of this accident, but mind & body held on to the unexpressed emotions I felt from this event. Also, there were some stories my sister shared with me about her past, I had no idea that things had gotten so bad in her life. She made it through it all, and I am very proud of her for doing so, but, once again, the unexpressed emotions of guilt, sadness, fear, etc built up. As soon as my body found a moment to absorb all that happened on the weekend, it reacted in a big way. I was too busy, all weekend, enjoying the time with my sister, and being very present in that moment, that I was not going to let anything get in the way of that.

I was so confident when the anxiety started that I had all the skills to work through this quickly, but sometimes things are bigger than you realize, and require more attention then you first thought. This is now the case with me. I haven't been to work in over a week. Although, my anxiety has almost completely subsided, there is still some work to be done. I am hoping I will get into see the specialist within the next few days and be back to work after the long weekend. Is this hopeful thinking? I do not know. All I know is that I definitely do not feel that this relapse is a long term thing. I truly believe I can work through this in a timely manner and get back to living again.

Turn On Your COURAGE!

Even on the most difficult days there is hope. The worst that could possibly happen cannot even come close to the good that already is. The whole world could crumble around you and still there would be the very real presence of joy and fulfillment in your life.

The best things you have, you cannot ever lose. The most important things can never be taken from you no matter what tragedy may befall you.

And therein lies the strength to attempt anything. You truly cannot fail, so you might as well succeed in the most spectacular fashion. Yes, you will stumble and there will be pain, but it can never equal the joy of which you're capable. Even though no one may catch you when you fall, the minute you hit bottom there will be endless ways to start climbing again.

Act strong because you are strong. Go confidently forward knowing that even the very worst days are still full on wonder and exciting possibility.
You have a great life to be lived. Turn on your courage and make it happen.


-- Ralph Marston

Serendipity

Though it is important to stay focused, an occasional distraction can sometimes be a good thing. There is much value to be found in the unexpected. The people you didn't expect to meet, the places you didn't expect to go, the things you didn't expect to learn can often lead you in new and positive directions.

When you've been knocked off track, it serves no purpose to beat yourself up about it. Make the most of where you are. If the distraction was compelling enough to get your attention in spite of your commitment to staying focused, then it likely has something to tell you.

Success is a matter of making the most of where you are. Often, where you are is not exactly where you planned to be. That's okay, though. You can still make the best of it. Be open to the possibilities, whatever they may be. Some of the most fortunate discoveries are made by accident.

Make careful and specific plans. Follow them with focus and commitment. And leave some room for serendipity.

-- Ralph Marston

What CAN'T A Women Do? Female Soldiers Rock!

Ever now and then I receive a forwarded email that I just have to share with you, here is one of them:

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crew gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit' 'It's The Box Office.'

Quote of the day: Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

There's a WHAT on my Foot? A Nipple!!

A young woman who went to see her doctor for a lesion on her foot got a shocking diagnosis: It was a nipple.

When researchers examined her foot, they were surprised to find a “well formed’ nipple, surrounded by aerola and hair, according to an online dermatology journal. Further exams revealed sebaceous glands and fat tissue at the bottom of the lesion.

“To our knowledge, this is the first report of supernumerary breast tissue on the foot,” researchers at Universidade Estadual de Campinas in Brazil wrote in their findings.

Between one and five per cent of the population have the condition, known as supernumerary breast tissue.

Deep Fried What....?!?!? Fair Food - Stampede 2011

With the Calgary Stampede just around the corner I know a lot of people are looking forward to getting their hands on their favorite foods from the mid way. Be it a huge corn dog or the famous mini donuts, we all have our weaknesses when it comes to our deep fried fair food. What are some of your favorites?

Some new DEEP FRIED food on the midway this year are: Deep fried Pop Tarts, Colossal Onion, Kubie Korn Balls, Calamari and 10 different flavours of Poutine!

Now a days it seems like they are finding ways to deep fry everything. Maybe next year we will see these Deep Fried Cherry Kool-Aid Balls on the midway.

Forgive

If you are able to feel hurt, you are also able to heal that hurt. When someone has angered you, or frustrated you, annoyed you, offended you or made you feel hurt in some other way, you too have been an active participant in that hurt. That's not to say that what they did was right or that it is excusable. It wasn't and it isn't.
Still, your best strategy is to get past it. The hurt you feel is all yours to the extent that you've chosen to experience it. So make the choice to stop experiencing it.

Forgiveness is far more beneficial for you than for the person you are forgiving. So by all means practice it! The longer you delay your forgiveness, the more you are victimized by the original transgression.

No matter how ill intentioned are the actions of another toward you, your forgiveness signals that you are not willing to participate in your own victimization. It's a powerful strategy. Forgive, and make your life more positive, productive, joyful and fulfilling.

-- Ralph Marston

Want To Be Married Within A Year? Sit In The Wishing Chair!

As I was watching "America's Got Talent", I was reminded of my trip to Seattle several years ago. It was such a beautiful city. I visited all the tourist attractions, including Pikes Place, Space Needle, Seattle Aquarium, but the most memorable place for me was Smith Tower. The view from the observation deck of this building was breathtaking, with views of Mt. Rainier, and the Olympic and Cascade Mountain ranges. Plus, it's the closest view in town of Safeco Field, the Colman Ferry Terminal, and Pioneer Square. This view out did the view from the Space Needle!

The crown jewel of the Smith Tower is the legendary 35th floor Chinese Room. The room’s name derives from the extensive carved wood and porcelain ceiling and the elaborately carved blackwood furniture that were gifts to Mr. Smith from the Empress of China.

The observatory’s furnishings include the famed Wishing Chair. The chair, product of the skill of a Chinese carver and quite likely the skill of an early day virtuoso publicity man, incorporates a carved dragon and a phoenix, which when combined, portends marriage.

Hence the chair came with the sentimental legend that any wishful unmarried woman who sits in it would be married within a year. Some validity to the claim was noted, or at least implied, when Smith’s daughter was wed in the observatory a year following her visit to the building’s opening.

Of course, I had to sit in the chair, as I was a unmarried woman. LOL. I'm sorry to say, I did not marry within a year of sitting and wishing in this "Wishing Chair". No harm in trying, I guess! Maybe I did not wish HARD enough! Check it out if you are ever in Seattle.

Happy 85th Birthday Marilyn Monroe

Those who know me well, know I am a huge fan of Marilyn Monroe. One of my all time favorite quotes is from her and truly think all women can relate to this quote:

"Im selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." ~ Marilyn Monroe

Today would have been her 85th birthday, in celebration of that TIME Magazine(Online) looks back at the many faces of Marilyn -- from barefoot starlet to sexy fashion icon.

To see some of the most amazing pictures of Marilyn visit the link below. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

Happy Birthday Bombshell: 85 Images of Marilyn Monroe

My Teeth Are Falling Out in My Dreams! What Does it Mean?

My dreams have been very vivid lately & very entertaining. It is not that I have been having the same dream over and over again, my dreams are all different, but these same events keep occurring in them. So much so that I had to pull out my dream dictionary to find out what they could possibly mean.

One of these events happens to be having my teeth fall out. I hear a lot of people have this dream. According to my dream dictionary, this it what it means:

"Teeth are said to stand for aggressive sexuality. Teeth falling or coming out easily means we are going through some form of transition, e.g. from childhood to maturity, or from maturity to old age and helplessness. If one is anxious about teeth dropping out it suggests there is a fear of getting old and undesirable, or an anxiety about maturing. In a woman's dream, if the teeth are swallow this can signify pregnancy"

Yep, that is why I am dreaming about my teeth falling out, I'm getting OLD!! LOL!

The other event that keeps occurring in my dreams is that I find myself in a high school for whatever reason and I'm always getting lost, I can't find my classroom, I can't find my locker, etc. I am definitely curious to see what this could possibly mean. Here it is:

"To have lost something in a dream may mean that we have forgotten, or are out of touch with, matters which could be important. A school with often appear at a time when we are attempting to get rid of antiquated ideas and concepts."

Very interesting! I could totally relate this definition with my life.

There are many different interpretations out there for these types of dreams. You throw "teeth falling out in my dreams" into google and you will see how many different, but similar meanings are out there.

What kind of recurring dreams do you have? Let me know and I will pull out my handy dream dictionary and find a meaning! All in good fun, of course!

Time For Blogging

I have recently been working really hard with my therapist to get me prepared for my return to work. I returned to work last Thursday for my first time in 8 months. Without the help from my therapist, I truly believe my anxiety would have been much worse than it was. It was completely manageable & I was happy to acquire the skill to cope better with moments of anxiety like this.

Due to my focus on my return to work plan I have not had a chance to blog lately. I just wanted to drop a quick note and let you all know I am still alive & kicking and I should be back to my normal blogging shortly.

I am currently on a gradual return to work plan which has me working half days every second day for the first 2 weeks and then full days every second day for 2 weeks, and then I should be back to full time by mid June.

This journey has been a long & painful one, but I am so grateful for all the amazing support I had from everyone, I could not have done it without you guys. This includes my two beautiful daughters, my wonderful online friends from Twitter, my father, my employer, my boss, my therapist, my RTW coordinator, my rehab consultant and ofcourse all the wonderful support I have received right here on my blog. I will be forever grateful to all of you.

I leave you with this quote that I heard in the movie "Seven Years in Tibet" it has become a favorite quote of mine:

"If the problem can be solved there is no use worrying about it, if it can't, worrying will do no good."

The place we once called home, Slave Lake, Alberta

Massive wildfires sweeping across parts of central and north-central Alberta have caused significant damage and forced the evacuation of dozens of communities, including the Town of Slave Lake and surrounding communities. Approximately 7,000 people have been forced from their homes and it is estimated that half of the town has been destroyed, including the police station and many homes.

Canadian Red Cross Disaster teams responded immediately, mobilizing personnel and emergency supplies including hundreds of cots, blankets and personal hygiene supplies to assist evacuated families. An emergency shelter and reception centre has been opened in Westlock, Alberta with additional operations established in the Town of High Prairie, Athabasca, and Edmonton, as multiple communities prepare to host families in need. The Canadian Red Cross is registering evacuees to help reconnect them with loved ones who may be looking for them and to refer them to other support and services they may need.

The fire continues to burn out of control and families in Alberta need immediate support.

How you can help

Canadians wishing to support the Canadian Red Cross Alberta Fires Response efforts are encouraged to contribute by calling 1-800-418-1111, donating through redcross.ca, or contacting their local Red Cross office. Cheques should be made payable to the Canadian Red Cross, earmarked “Alberta Fires” and mailed to the Canadian Red Cross National Office, 170 Metcalfe Street, Suite 300, Ottawa, Ontario, K2P 2P2

Can't Please Everyone!

I can't please everyone! I'm sorry to the people out there that do not agree with my activities while I am on disability. Maybe it isn't that they do not agree, they just do not understand everything about why I am on disability.

My happiness & my mental health are my top priorities right now. Everything I am doing while off work is for the betterment of my mental health & happiness. I love to write my blog as it gives me an opportunity to work on my focus, that is extremely lacking when depressed. Writing makes me happy, and is very therapeutic for me. I am not going to stop writing just because others do not agree with the activity or what I am writing about.

Out of habit, when anyone questions the way I am, or what I do, or what I'm not doing, I automatically resort to feeling, not good enough. A big part of my therapy has been to work on the damage my mother has done to my way of thinking. With her, I was never good enough, and with this last incident with her, it all came down to not being good enough in her eyes.

It is a tough habit to break, when you have been doing it your entire life. It is a process. I have to stop my knee jerk reaction to want to defend myself. Why do I HAVE to defend myself? I don't. I'm not doing anything wrong. Everything I am doing, I am doing by instruction from my therapist. If I had my way, I would isolate myself for the entire 8 months & do nothing, but that would have been detrimental to my mental health.

People do not seem to understand how hard it is to even do the day to day bare necessities when you are depressed. You have good days & you have bad days. If my therapist didn't tell me to try to get out or have friends over, I would have just drowned in the painful depression I was dealing with, and may never have returned.

It is still hard for me to get out. I'm still isolating myself because it is still hard. I do get out for a daily walk & try to focus on one activity (blog, twitter) for a period of time, but my friends would tell you, I have not been on twitter a lot lately & a lot of my blogs are just shared information, not my personal writing. I try to work on my creativity with little projects, but these projects, that would usually take me 2 days, are taking me almost 2 weeks.

I know being on disability means different things to different people, but being on disability isn't fun at all. Actually, being on disability adds more grief to the already difficult, situation. I know my disability is invisible to everyone & is probably the main reason it is so hard for people to understand what I have been doing for the last 8 months.

I really cannot worry about what other people think anymore, it does me no good at all. My entire life I made choices to please others, it was all about what other people thought of me, mainly my mother. I'm done with this habit. The only person I have to prove anything to is myself. The only person I have to make happy from now on is myself. I will not allow anyone to make me feel guilty for my recent journey. All I would ask for is a little bit of compassion & understanding, even if you don't completely understand. I would do the same for you.

I have made a lot of progress in the last 8 months & I am excited to be finally getting back into the swing of things. I don't want people to worry about me, you know, think I'm fragile or anything. I've learned a lot about myself lately, and have gained a lot of strength through all of this. No one needs to walk on egg shells around me, I am not going to break, I promise.

I'm slowly finding myself again, and I missed me/her as much as, I'm sure, some of you have. Things aren't going to be back to normal, they are going to be back to BETTER than normal. Next step, back to work I go.

Return To Work In The New Future: Change is Good!

I saw my therapist on Thursday after a bit of an absence. It felt good to get back in the routine of seeing her every week, and I will continue to do so for the next 8 weeks, as I plan to return to work, first on a part time basis, gradually working back to my full time basis. I suffered a little regression with this absence from my therapist & a little bit of work needs to be done to get me back on track.

Im looking forward to returning to work. Yes, I am a little nervous, but, who wouldn't be. It has been 8 months since I have been off work. I wasn't even off this long when I had my hysterectomy. The length of this absence is what has me nervous about returning. There is no reason that this should have taken this long. Unfortunately, my hands were tied, and most of my time on disability was waiting for approvals, I would say 50% of the time, was due to this.

None the less, I am looking forward to getting back to the day to day activities in the office. My team is the most amazing, creative, smart group of women and just being around them on a daily basis, always makes me strive to be better, smarter & more creative. I truly have missed that daily inspiration.

I am sure a lot has changed since I have been off. We have elected a new mayor. It will be interesting to see what kind, if any, changes have been made in our group & department, due to this. Before I left we had hired a few more staff members, I didn't get a chance to work with them or really get to know them, I wonder how they have adapted within our team. All in all, I know I will be facing a lot of change upon my return, but change is good from where I am sitting right now. I am ready, with open arms, for change.

Are Thoughts The Source of Ego? (Tolle Thursday)

I am a big fan of Eckhart Tolle. When I first was diagnosed with depression, his book 'A New Earth' was a big part of my recovery from that episode of depression.

It taught me to let go of the past, which is a big part of depression, dwelling on the past. Going forward I will be sharing tidbits of information via videos from Eckhart's book, as there was so much that I learned from this book, that it must be shared.

If you would like to buy this book, click on the Amazon icon on the right hand side toolbar.

The Jack Project

The Jack Project will combat the massive stigma associated with mental illness and improve the services for young people struggling with anxiety, depression and thoughts of suicide.

Another great organization working to change the mental health stigma. My thoughts and prayers are with Jack's family.

Encana’s Race Against Hunger

I came across this program on Facebook, and thought it was a great idea to raise funds for local food banks. It is as simple as liking a facebook page and tagging yourself in picture that Encana provides.

The goal of Encana’s Race Against Hunger program is to help raise funds and awareness for local food banks during the spring and summer months when donations typically decrease, despite a constant need in the community.

Through community investment initiatives, Encana is helping find solutions and creating opportunities that support sustainable communities.

Like Encana’s Facebook page then tag yourself anywhere on this IMAGE between April 9-18, 2011 and we’ll do the rest. For every tag it gets, Encana will make a $5 cash donation to a local food bank, up to a maximum of $10,000.

Say Yes

Though you can't say yes to everything, you certainly want to say yes to those things which will move your life forward.

Here is another visual reminder I have created. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed creating it.

Let's Get Social Sunday (BLOG HOP)

What is Let’s Get Social?

Let’s Get Social is a weekly link-up hosted by a fabulous group of five bloggers we call the Fab 5! The Fab 5 includes Bridget of Guide to Smart Shopping, Jennifer of Sweep Tight, Jessica of Mom of all Trades, Tree of Mother of Pearl It Is, and Brandi of Life with Five Monkies.

We created Let’s Get Social as a means to socialize with other bloggers as well as help you gain more followers! You can follow via any social method you like. You can also follow using more than one method and we encourage you to do so! Please be sure to leave a comment letting the person know how you followed so they can follow you back.

To Participate:

-Follow all of the hosts in the first 5 spots. Please leave a comment on our Let’s Get Social post letting us know how you follow and we will follow you back. Please be patient with us as it might take us a couple days to get through everybody.

-After you have made sure to follow each host, follow as many other bloggers as you like commenting on their hop post as you do so so they can follow you back!

-All blogs participating must post about Let’s Get Social each week when linking up. Please include our button using the code provided above in your post. This will help to get the word out about Let’s Get Social.

-Link-up the post you made on your blog for Let’s Get Social. Please link directly to your post instead of to your homepage.

This linky will go live every Saturday at 9:00 pm EST! Direct links to your hop post only please! Links to your homepage, other blog hop, or giveaways will be deleted.

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

I came across this almost 10 years ago & it left a permanent mark on my heart & mind. Not only is this an important message for parents, it is relevant for everyone. I hope you enjoy it & cherish it as much as I do. Pass it on!

WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN'T LOOKING
(Written by a former child [aren't we all?])

A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and
doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the
refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned
that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me
and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there
is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a
friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of
each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to
help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something
should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and
everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your
responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would
have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I
learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be
everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I
need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say,
"Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."


Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher or friend) influence
the life of a child. How will you touch the life of someone today?