Is There A Santa Claus? Interesting Stats

 As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest manmade vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal ammount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion -
If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

A Holiday Recipe

You'll need the following:
1 cup sugar
1 cup water
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 bottle whisky

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Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup & drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another cup. Turn off the mixar. Beat two leggs and addd to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the dried frust gets stuck on the beaters pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn on the cake to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whicky again and go to bed.

25 Ways To Annoy Your Roommate During Christmas

Another funny find! Enjoy!

 

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder.
2. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
5. Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.")
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."
11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"
16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.
17. Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."
25. When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

I Think Santa Claus is A Woman

Found this on the internet...had to share.
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I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

• Men can't pack a bag.
• Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
• Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
• Men don't answer their mail.
• Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
• Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
• Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
• Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith, and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!