A Moment of Sadness is Upon ME

I had a really rough night last night, both emotionally and physically. I was up until 6:00 AM. My mind would not rest. I have been feeling excited, anxious, nervous, relieved and sad, at all once.

If you do not know, I will be having a hysterectomy on Wednesday, February 10, 2010. I was originally having the surgery on March 3, so when I received the phone call from my doctor saying my surgery has been pushed up, I was totally caught off guard, and overwhelmed with confusing feelings, as this meant finality was nearer than I was prepared for.

At first they were going to be doing a Endometrial Ablation (see video in previous blog to learn more about this procedure)which would allow me to keep my uterus, ovaries, cervix and fallopian tubes. As time went by and another review of my symptoms, my doctor thought that the Ablation would only be a band-aid for my symptoms and that their was a huge risk that the procedure would not be successful. She stated that a hysterectomy would be the best option to guarantee a successful outcome. This too was a shock to my system, one day I was having one procedure that was only day surgery, and the next I was having a surgery that would require a stay in the hospital. THIS MADE ME VERY NERVOUS.

So as you see I have had a lot of different things thrown at me a little unexpectedly. Such is life, but it has still been hard to handle. Yes, I am very happy that very shortly I will not be suffering anymore. No more pain. No more spending day after day after day in my bed. No more pills of all kind to help me cope. I will have my life back, which I have been missing for almost 2 years now. Im tired of being bed ridden, going on 4 months now. I miss my work. I miss my day to day activities. The only thing that has me sad, is that the opportunity of feeling a baby move, kick and grow inside of me will be gone, FOREVER! Yes, I can adopt, use surrogacy, etc..but feeling a baby grow inside of you is an experience in itself, that I am very saddened by the fact this opportunity isn't possible anymore for me.

I am a single mother and am very grateful for the beautiful daughter I have, but this is where some of this sadness comes from. I was a teenage pregnant girl at 17 years old. I had, somewhat, of a strict mother, who wasn't very proud to find out her baby girl was pregnant at such a young age. It was "decided" that I would give up this baby for adoption. I attend a high school for pregnant teenagers to keep up on my high school credits. But that was about all that I did that seemed in the norm of a pregnancy. There were no pictures of me pregnant, no one fawning over me wanting to touch my belly, no baby shower (came after the fact). I honestly felt like a dirty little secret in my family. I gave birth to my daughter on July 5. Since I was giving her up for adoption they did not allow me to see her at all once she came out of me. I did get a chance to see her a couple of times once I was comfortable in my bed. On the last day of my stay in the hospital, I called my mother to let her know I was being discharged. I had this huge lump in my throat and emptiness in my heart. At that very moment, my life changed forever! My mother said she couldn't let her be given up for adoption, and the rest is history. But as you can see it wasn't a memorable pregnancy at all. I was looking forward to getting married and sharing in the joyous experience of pregnancy with whom ever I married. Not going to happen now. So I hope this gives you a little more insight into what I have been going through emotionally. Yes, physically I cannot wait to feel "normal" again, but it is at a great price in my heart and soul that I am paying for this normalcy.

Do not get me wrong, I am grateful for the beautiful daughter I have, the wonderful family supporting me, and great friends that are always there for me. I am also grateful for a half decent health care system in place that is allowing me to have this surgery at no cost to me, some people in other parts of the world aren't so lucky.

On a closing note; I will no longer have to be a walking crime scene..a bloody mess. Time heals all wounds. This too will pass. Stay strong, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, even if that statement seems a little understated to me right now. Im hanging in there.

Miss Candy

Am I Still A Woman?

That is the question that I have allowed to enter my mind lately, since I found out I will be having a hysterectomy instead of an ablation, as my doctor felt that the endometrial ablation would be only a band aid for my problem and may not even resolve my issue. So instead of risking me having to suffering any longer, my doctor feels a hysterectomy is the best avenue to take.

I am an intelligent woman. I know I am still a woman and will be until the day I die. I know it is just my mind trying to play tricks on me and confuse me into thinking I am going to be less woman without my womb. 99.9% of the time I do not let my mind trick me, Im too smart for that. That .1% of the time, has me writing this post.

The most sadness that is upon me is from the fact I will no longer be able to have babies. I had my daughter very young and was dreaming of one day having another child, that dream is no more. Yes, I can adopt, yes there are many different options for having another child. That is not the point. The opportunity to feel something growing in me, kicking and moving will never happen again. I was so young with my first child I did not take the time to cherish those moments when I was pregnant. This is what saddens me the most about all of this.

On a positive note, I am grateful that I will no longer be suffering and will be able to get my life back on track and some resemblance of normalcy. Im very excited that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am grateful that I was lucky enough to experience the joy of pregnancy with my daughter, as I know there are many woman who never get that opportunity. I count my blessings.

Now if I could only get my long term disability claim approved.

Miss Candy

The Joys of Being Bed Ridden

One of the main reasons I started this blog was to share my experience of being bed ridden for the last 3 months with at least another 2 months to go. I suffer from menorrhagia. What is menorrhagia? The correct medical definition of menorrhagia is the passage of more than 80ml of blood each period. It is seldom realistic or practical, however, to actually measure the blood loss and so doctors rely on the woman's description of her period.

Periods are considered heavy when:

* a woman bleeds for more than 8 to 10 days, especially if this is repeated month after month.
* a woman bleeds so much that it is difficult for her to attend her job. She may be forced to plan her holidays and leisure time according to the timings of her period.
* the bleeding is continuously so heavy that the woman becomes anaemic.
* the presence of other than small clots for more than one or two days suggests heavy periods.
* 'flooding' describes the sudden, unexpected onset of periods, like turning on a tap, and indicates heavy periods.

My periods last up to 3 weeks and are so heavy I cannot even move without having an accident. The cramps are very severe requiring pain medicine to provide me some relief. I had the Mirena IUD inserted back in April with hopes that it would help with the bleeding. Unfortunately there was no relief with the use of the Mirena. The next step is surgery. So I am now awaiting to get in for a surgery called Endometrial Ablation. With this procedure they will be burning off the lining of my uterus they will also be tying my tubes.

All of this has been pretty overwhelming for me, as I have been suffering for almost 2 years. I did have dreams of having another baby in the future, but this procedure will make it impossible for me to have anymore children. Ofcourse this fact is very saddening for me. Im grateful for the one child I do have and there is always adoption and surrogacy, but the dream of feeling a baby kicking inside of me is gone.

Due to all of this I thought I would start this blog to share my experience and hopefully find others who have gone through the same thing and are willing to share the experiences with me. I am hoping this blog will give support to both myself and anyone else who may require it.

If you know anyone or you yourself have gone through this I would love to hear from you. Share your experience.

Miss Candy