Bullying
Do you know if your child is being bullied? Here are some signs to watch for:
* Feelings of rejection
* Low self-esteem
* Poor grades at school
* Isolation, withdrawal from group activities at school and outside of school
* Agressiveness, nervousness, extreme sensitivity
* Fear or refusal to go to school
What is bullying…
Psychologists define bullying as a power relationship carried on by one individual or a group of individuals towards another person. Bullying does not necessarily need to be brutal or physical violence. Rumours, threats and hurtful words also lead to feelings of rejection.
What does bullying look like?
Teasing, hair pulling, pushing, pinching or touching without consent, insulting somebody by making crude, sexist, racist or homophobic remarks
Spreading rumours
Threatening looks, unsightly gestures
Writing unpleasant things about somebody (on paper or by email)
Threatening or scaring somebody
Stealing, “taxing” (extortion of money and personal items)
Targets for bullying:
Choice of clothing
Physical differences or faults (fast, slow, big or small development)
Distinctive characteristics of parents (different education from other parents of the region, religion, origin, language)
Nutritional habits
Speech impediments
Introverted personality, solitary person
What Should Children Do?
Do not answer back with verbal violence
Ignore the insults by walking with your head up high
If you witness bullying towards another student, it is best to immediately refer what you have seen to an adult.
What Should Parents Do?
Discuss the problem with your child and try to obtain the name of the bully
Discuss the problem with the teacher and the principal of the school
Advise the child, but try not to do everything in his or her place.
Guide the child towards out-of-school activities
Do not encourage verbal or physical violence as a suitable means of defense
Do not trivialize the problem. Take it seriously!
(Source: Mia Lambert, Jeunesse J’ecoute and Annie Fernandez, Le Journal de Quebec)
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Depression: Common Signs & Symptoms
* Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" feelings
* Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness
* Irritability, restlessness
* Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
* Fatigue and decreased energy
* Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
* Insomnia, early–morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
* Overeating, or appetite loss
* Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
* Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
Mental Health Illness: Fact vs Fiction
FICTION: People with a mental illness are often violent.
FACT: Actually, the vast majority of people with mental health conditions are no more violent than anyone else. People with mental illness are much more likely to be the victims of crime.
FICTION: Mental illness is a sign of weakness.
FACT: A mental illness is not caused by personal weakness—nor can it be cured by positive thinking or willpower - proper treatment is needed.
FICTION: Only military personnel who have been in combat can suffer from PTSD.
FACT: While PTSD is prevalent in men and women who have seen combat, experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event can trigger PTSD, including violent personal assaults such as rape or robbery, natural or human-caused disasters, or accidents.
FICTION: People with a mental illness will never get better.
FACT: For some people, a mental illness may be a lifelong condition, like diabetes. But as with diabetes, proper treatment enables many people with a mental illness to lead fulfilling and productive lives.
FICTION: Children don’t suffer from mental illness.
FACT: Millions of children are affected by depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses. As a matter of fact, 1 in 10 children suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. Getting treatment is essential.
FICTION: “Mental illness can’t affect me!”
FACT: Mental illness can affect anyone. While some illnesses have a genetic risk, mental illness can affect people of all ages, races and income levels, whether or not there is a family history.
FACT: Actually, the vast majority of people with mental health conditions are no more violent than anyone else. People with mental illness are much more likely to be the victims of crime.
FICTION: Mental illness is a sign of weakness.
FACT: A mental illness is not caused by personal weakness—nor can it be cured by positive thinking or willpower - proper treatment is needed.
FICTION: Only military personnel who have been in combat can suffer from PTSD.
FACT: While PTSD is prevalent in men and women who have seen combat, experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event can trigger PTSD, including violent personal assaults such as rape or robbery, natural or human-caused disasters, or accidents.
FICTION: People with a mental illness will never get better.
FACT: For some people, a mental illness may be a lifelong condition, like diabetes. But as with diabetes, proper treatment enables many people with a mental illness to lead fulfilling and productive lives.
FICTION: Children don’t suffer from mental illness.
FACT: Millions of children are affected by depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses. As a matter of fact, 1 in 10 children suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. Getting treatment is essential.
FICTION: “Mental illness can’t affect me!”
FACT: Mental illness can affect anyone. While some illnesses have a genetic risk, mental illness can affect people of all ages, races and income levels, whether or not there is a family history.
Tuesday Twitter Hop
1. Add your Twitter URL to the Linky below: when you add it, it will automatically appear on everyone’s page that posts this Linky so you do not need to add it more than once
2. Click on the top 3 Twitter Names and follow them: The top 3 will be the hostesses; Shining2Save, Living on Love and Cents and Luxury Living Frugal Style, we will follow you back.
3. Follow as many people on Twitter as you like: Be sure to leave comments or send them a message so they will know where to follow you back.
You do not have to make a post to join: but it is always a plus if you do so everyone else can see and join in on the fun!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy
I have been feeling a little glum the last few days so I needed a little bit of happy, happy, joy, joy in my life. This video from Ren & Stimpy always makes me smile. I hope if you are having a bad day that this lifts your spirits a little. Enjoy!
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Uploaded by empiempi. - Watch more comedy videos and sitcoms.
Happy Happy Joy Joy
Uploaded by empiempi. - Watch more comedy videos and sitcoms.
2011 Pink Shirt Day - Anti-Bullying Day
On February 23, 2011 wear something pink to symbolize that we as a society will not tolerate bullying anywhere. Last year over 160,000 people on Facebook signed up for the event and we hope to add another 100,000 this year!
...
Wear a pink shirt, hat, scarf, glasses - or whatever! - while at school, work, etc.
Why pink? Click below:
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/nova-scotia/story/2007/09/18/pink-tshirts-students.html
Feel free to invite your friends and ask them to get involved by clicking the INVITE PEOPLE TO COME link to the far left and slightly up.
http://www.PinkShirtDay.ca
Join the Pink Shirt Day Facebook Page!
http://www.facebook.com/pinkshirtday
Follow us on Twitter:
http://www.twitter.com/pinkshirtday
...
Wear a pink shirt, hat, scarf, glasses - or whatever! - while at school, work, etc.
Why pink? Click below:
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/nova-scotia/story/2007/09/18/pink-tshirts-students.html
Feel free to invite your friends and ask them to get involved by clicking the INVITE PEOPLE TO COME link to the far left and slightly up.
http://www.PinkShirtDay.ca
Join the Pink Shirt Day Facebook Page!
http://www.facebook.com/pinkshirtday
Follow us on Twitter:
http://www.twitter.com/pinkshirtday
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Human Camera
This is absolutely amazing...AMAZING! Wow, just WOW, is all I can say. Thank you to Sarah for sharing this with me. It is definitely worth sharing with my readers. So here it is, let me know what you think:
Stephen Wiltshire from London is a star among savants. Stephen is autistic. He did not speak his first words "pencil" and "paper" until he was 5. Yet, when he was 11 he drew a perfect aerial view of London after only one helicopter ride. For this film we're testing the "Living camera" in Rome. (ColourField production)
Stephen Wiltshire from London is a star among savants. Stephen is autistic. He did not speak his first words "pencil" and "paper" until he was 5. Yet, when he was 11 he drew a perfect aerial view of London after only one helicopter ride. For this film we're testing the "Living camera" in Rome. (ColourField production)
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Cops Should Knock Like Girl Scouts Selling Cookies!!
One of my favorite TV shows is 'The First 48' on A&E. I would watch this show daily, all day when I was on medical leave for surgery last year. I continue to watch it daily now while on my mental health leave.
It is a reality show about murders in different cities in the US, and just like the title states, it is the first 48 hours of the investigation. From the call to the murder scene to the arrest of the suspect.
I swear I could either commit a murder and get away with it or I could solve and murder case put in front of me, from everything I learned on this show. Totally kidding about the murder part..LOL..I couldn't harm a fly..ok maybe a fly, but not a human.
The reason for this post is that I notice in all reality cop shows that the cops have a very distinctive knock..very hard & very loud. No normal person would ever knock like this. Im not saying cops aren't normal. They just have a certain way of knocking. I am sure this knock is taught to them in the police academy and it is standard practice.
What I do not get is, have they not learned from experience that more than half the time, if not more, no criminal will answer the door when they hear that knock. Of course, they are going to hide, they know the cops are at the door, because of the knock.
Don't you think if you tapped on the door, like a girl scout selling cookies, you would more than likely get more success at having the people answer the door when searching for a criminal. They can't hide if they don't know you are coming.
Just my random thoughts.
It is a reality show about murders in different cities in the US, and just like the title states, it is the first 48 hours of the investigation. From the call to the murder scene to the arrest of the suspect.
I swear I could either commit a murder and get away with it or I could solve and murder case put in front of me, from everything I learned on this show. Totally kidding about the murder part..LOL..I couldn't harm a fly..ok maybe a fly, but not a human.
The reason for this post is that I notice in all reality cop shows that the cops have a very distinctive knock..very hard & very loud. No normal person would ever knock like this. Im not saying cops aren't normal. They just have a certain way of knocking. I am sure this knock is taught to them in the police academy and it is standard practice.
What I do not get is, have they not learned from experience that more than half the time, if not more, no criminal will answer the door when they hear that knock. Of course, they are going to hide, they know the cops are at the door, because of the knock.
Don't you think if you tapped on the door, like a girl scout selling cookies, you would more than likely get more success at having the people answer the door when searching for a criminal. They can't hide if they don't know you are coming.
Just my random thoughts.
Emotional Pain: 7 Keys To Finding Happiness
As you all know I am all about sharing. I wish I could take credit for the information I am sharing below, but once again this is something I came across in my research for transitioning back to work after being on mental health leave for the last 6 months.
My current mental health journey had a lot to do with emotional pain. Emotional pain that went all the way back to when I was a child. As you can see from previous posts I am doing everything I can think of to help myself overcome this emotional pain, including many of the things mentioned in this article I am sharing with you:
______________________________________
Robert Moment is an innovative "throw the box away" inspirational life coach, personal growth strategist, speaker and author of bestselling book, The Path to Emotional Healing. Robert specializes in maximizing human potential for happiness, purpose and success. Visit http://www.howtobehappyagain.com
If we receive a physical injury, we know that there will be pain. We also know that the physical pain will eventually subside. Emotional pain is a much different experience. Emotional pain can be the result of the death of a loved one, divorce, losing a job...etc. With emotional pain, there is no physical injury so we often do not realize how harmful the pain can be if left untreated. That is, if we do not confront and resolve the pain, it can be very devastating and even affect us physically. Fortunately, when afflicted with overwhelming emotional pain, there are ways to find happiness again.
Below are 7 keys to overcoming emotional pain to find happiness again:
1. Be Honest with Yourself: It is essential that you acknowledge your emotional pain. Once you are honest with yourself and acknowledge that your pain is interfering with your happiness and ability to move forward in life, you will be in a better position to heal. Lying to yourself will only exacerbate your pain and cause more problems.
2. Take Control of your Emotions: Teach your brain to process your thoughts and emotions in a new productive way. When you train your brain to control your negative thoughts and emotions, you can develop techniques to fill your mind with positive thoughts. For instance, write down everything in your life that makes you happy, no matter how small. Read the list everyday and add to it when you think of more things that make you happy. As well, practice reciting positive affirmation statements and catch your self when you start to go down the tunnel of negativity. By working to eliminate the negative, you will train your brain to focus on the positive.
3. Laugh and Smile: Laughter is great medicine for treating emotional pain. Engage in activities the make you laugh and smile. For instance, watch comedy movies and television programs, listen to your favorite music, spend time socializing with family and fiends, engage in a fun hobby, participate in a recreational sport, and get outside and enjoy the beauty nature offers. Doing something you enjoy will keep your mind focused on positive things instead of sitting at home dwelling on the negative.
4. Gain a Positive Perspective: Think of the events that caused the emotional pain as a learning experience that challenges you, but will help you grow as a person. Ask yourself what you learned from the event and how it can help you become a stronger person. Perhaps you are carrying emotional pain of being bullied as a child. Have you thought that the child who bullied you was carrying a lot of pain too and was dealing it with it in an unproductive and self-destructive way? Is it time to forgive? Can you forgive? Remember anger and deep pain is very destructive and letting go can be very emotionally liberating.
5. Mind Relaxation: Achieving inner peace will help you overcome your pain. Meditation and yoga are two tools to achieving inner peace and letting go of the pain. As well, you can go for long walk to reflect on things, relax in a hot bubble bath, or relax in a sauna. Relaxing will help you rid yourself of stress, anxiety, anger, and resentment. Praying is another helpful way to achieve spiritual peace and enlightenment.
6. Turn Negative Action into Positive Action: Do things that make you feel good and give your life meaning. For instance, volunteering for a local charity is a great way to make you feel good. You could even do little things such as helping an elderly person put their groceries in the car or helping a neighbor clear snow from the driveway.
7. Visualization: Visualizing positive things is very helpful to overcoming pain. For instance, visualize sitting on a beach and watching the sunset. Visualize the warm embrace of the sun, the shimmering water, and the warm breeze brushing against your cheeks. Take deep slow breaths as you visualize. You will feel a sense of peace and joy flow through your body.
Emotional pain can be paralyzing and the mind can be very powerful during times of great pain. However, when you do deal with the pain in a positive and productive manner, it will not be long before you find happiness again.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Robert_Moment
My current mental health journey had a lot to do with emotional pain. Emotional pain that went all the way back to when I was a child. As you can see from previous posts I am doing everything I can think of to help myself overcome this emotional pain, including many of the things mentioned in this article I am sharing with you:
______________________________________
Robert Moment is an innovative "throw the box away" inspirational life coach, personal growth strategist, speaker and author of bestselling book, The Path to Emotional Healing. Robert specializes in maximizing human potential for happiness, purpose and success. Visit http://www.howtobehappyagain.com
If we receive a physical injury, we know that there will be pain. We also know that the physical pain will eventually subside. Emotional pain is a much different experience. Emotional pain can be the result of the death of a loved one, divorce, losing a job...etc. With emotional pain, there is no physical injury so we often do not realize how harmful the pain can be if left untreated. That is, if we do not confront and resolve the pain, it can be very devastating and even affect us physically. Fortunately, when afflicted with overwhelming emotional pain, there are ways to find happiness again.
Below are 7 keys to overcoming emotional pain to find happiness again:
1. Be Honest with Yourself: It is essential that you acknowledge your emotional pain. Once you are honest with yourself and acknowledge that your pain is interfering with your happiness and ability to move forward in life, you will be in a better position to heal. Lying to yourself will only exacerbate your pain and cause more problems.
2. Take Control of your Emotions: Teach your brain to process your thoughts and emotions in a new productive way. When you train your brain to control your negative thoughts and emotions, you can develop techniques to fill your mind with positive thoughts. For instance, write down everything in your life that makes you happy, no matter how small. Read the list everyday and add to it when you think of more things that make you happy. As well, practice reciting positive affirmation statements and catch your self when you start to go down the tunnel of negativity. By working to eliminate the negative, you will train your brain to focus on the positive.
3. Laugh and Smile: Laughter is great medicine for treating emotional pain. Engage in activities the make you laugh and smile. For instance, watch comedy movies and television programs, listen to your favorite music, spend time socializing with family and fiends, engage in a fun hobby, participate in a recreational sport, and get outside and enjoy the beauty nature offers. Doing something you enjoy will keep your mind focused on positive things instead of sitting at home dwelling on the negative.
4. Gain a Positive Perspective: Think of the events that caused the emotional pain as a learning experience that challenges you, but will help you grow as a person. Ask yourself what you learned from the event and how it can help you become a stronger person. Perhaps you are carrying emotional pain of being bullied as a child. Have you thought that the child who bullied you was carrying a lot of pain too and was dealing it with it in an unproductive and self-destructive way? Is it time to forgive? Can you forgive? Remember anger and deep pain is very destructive and letting go can be very emotionally liberating.
5. Mind Relaxation: Achieving inner peace will help you overcome your pain. Meditation and yoga are two tools to achieving inner peace and letting go of the pain. As well, you can go for long walk to reflect on things, relax in a hot bubble bath, or relax in a sauna. Relaxing will help you rid yourself of stress, anxiety, anger, and resentment. Praying is another helpful way to achieve spiritual peace and enlightenment.
6. Turn Negative Action into Positive Action: Do things that make you feel good and give your life meaning. For instance, volunteering for a local charity is a great way to make you feel good. You could even do little things such as helping an elderly person put their groceries in the car or helping a neighbor clear snow from the driveway.
7. Visualization: Visualizing positive things is very helpful to overcoming pain. For instance, visualize sitting on a beach and watching the sunset. Visualize the warm embrace of the sun, the shimmering water, and the warm breeze brushing against your cheeks. Take deep slow breaths as you visualize. You will feel a sense of peace and joy flow through your body.
Emotional pain can be paralyzing and the mind can be very powerful during times of great pain. However, when you do deal with the pain in a positive and productive manner, it will not be long before you find happiness again.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Robert_Moment
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Possible Closure After Two Decades: A Families Worst Nightmare (PART 2)
Today the lawyers in the Candace Derksen are providing their closing statements and the jury is expected to deliberate tonight. There is a lot of concern that the jury will come back with a not guilty verdict due to the DNA evidence. This is the worst fear ever.
This man, Mark Grant, has turned so many peoples lives upside down. Including my family. This man needs to be kept behind bars FOREVER. His history of sexual violence against women is lengthy & he refuses to get any help. Can someone with this kind of violent history ever get help?
Here is an article I found online, care of WinnipegFIRST
______________________________________________
Mark Edward Grant has a history of violence against women.
Photo Credit: Manitoba Justice
• Posted: May 16th 2007, 17:38 / Written by: Kathleen Martens
• Tagged as: national parole board, mark edward grant, homicide, news
He blames his hatred of women on his mother and sister, and has a 20-year resume of crime to show for his anger.
Mark Edward Grant, who today was arrested and charged with first-degree murder in the death of schoolgirl Candace Derksen, has served time for three rapes and choking to overcome resistance.
Grant, now 43, was 21 when Derksen disappeared on her way home from school in November 1984. She was in Grade 7, and froze to death while awaiting rescue from a remote shed on an Elmwood industrial property where she was left with her arms and legs bound.
Derksen's body was found six weeks after she disappeared. She was 13.
Grant was interviewed by police along with nearly 100 other people, police said today, as part of their initial investigation but was not considered a suspect. Since then National Parole Board documents obtained by winnipegFIRST.ca show Grant has been in and out of prison.
He confided to the board his anger toward women erupted as early as 14 when he sexually assaulted a young female although he was never charged with the crime. The board labelled him "predatory" and noted "unsophisticated and vulnerable post-pubescent female children" were at risk with him on the street.
"...The board concludes you are likely to commit an offence causing the death of or serious harm to another person...You have an established pattern of violent and sexually deviant behaviour dating from 1983," the board observed in 1995.
"The board is satisfied that, if released, you are likely to commit a sexual offence involving a child before the expiration of the sentence you are now serving," the board wrote in rejecting one of Grant's requests for early release.
Grant did not win early parole on any of his prison terms, and at one point the board revoked his full parole. But documents show he always served two-thirds of his sentence as required by law and the board had no grounds to hold him further.
Grant was resistant to sex offender treatment in prison, the document says, but did make strides in improving his literacy skills. He was diagnosed as a schizophrenic while behind bars.
A psychological assessment of November 1994 notes Grant had emotional baggage around the issues of anger control, rejection, emotional stability, loneliness and unstable relationships.
"...You admitted at the hearing that your hatred of women was related to behaviour of your mother and sister, but refused to discuss it further."
Nine days after serving one sentence, Grant re-offended and sexually assaulted an underage prostitute, the documents show. He was last imprisoned in 2001 and in 2002 the board wrote he was having hallucinations that encouraged him to be aggressive and sexually violent.
He has been a free man since 2004, although Winnipeg police had him under surveillance for a time because he was a sex offender.
Here is Grant's criminal resume:
*Grant was first imprisoned in February 1992 on a four-year sentence for sexual assault.
*He was freed on statutory release in March 1994 under special conditions.
*His statutory release was revoked in September 1994.
*He was to be freed in May 1995 but the Correctional Service of Canada took steps to keep him in custody until November 1995.
*Prior to the end of that term, he was convicted of sexual assault and overcome resistance resulting in an aggregate sentence of 12 years and 10 months effective November 1991.
*He was held in custody until his sentence expired on Sept. 26, 2004.
_________________________________________
It was in 1992 that Mark was sentences for the rape of my sister, as you can see he only got 4 years for that assault. It still makes me so angry that is sentence was so short. He gets 4 years, my sister gets a life sentence having to deal with the aftermath of this assault. To this day she still has issues in many facets of her life that all lead back to this horrible incident in her life.
My thoughts & prayers are with both the Derksen Family & my sister. I am sickened to my stomach that you both have to relive such a horrific time in your lives. Even if he is found not guilty, I hope you will have some inner peace and closure knowing what we ALL know, that this man is a killer. I am trying my best to have total faith in the justice system, but some faith will be lost if Mark Grant is found not guilty.
This man, Mark Grant, has turned so many peoples lives upside down. Including my family. This man needs to be kept behind bars FOREVER. His history of sexual violence against women is lengthy & he refuses to get any help. Can someone with this kind of violent history ever get help?
Here is an article I found online, care of WinnipegFIRST
______________________________________________
Mark Edward Grant has a history of violence against women.
Photo Credit: Manitoba Justice
• Posted: May 16th 2007, 17:38 / Written by: Kathleen Martens
• Tagged as: national parole board, mark edward grant, homicide, news
He blames his hatred of women on his mother and sister, and has a 20-year resume of crime to show for his anger.
Mark Edward Grant, who today was arrested and charged with first-degree murder in the death of schoolgirl Candace Derksen, has served time for three rapes and choking to overcome resistance.
Grant, now 43, was 21 when Derksen disappeared on her way home from school in November 1984. She was in Grade 7, and froze to death while awaiting rescue from a remote shed on an Elmwood industrial property where she was left with her arms and legs bound.
Derksen's body was found six weeks after she disappeared. She was 13.
Grant was interviewed by police along with nearly 100 other people, police said today, as part of their initial investigation but was not considered a suspect. Since then National Parole Board documents obtained by winnipegFIRST.ca show Grant has been in and out of prison.
He confided to the board his anger toward women erupted as early as 14 when he sexually assaulted a young female although he was never charged with the crime. The board labelled him "predatory" and noted "unsophisticated and vulnerable post-pubescent female children" were at risk with him on the street.
"...The board concludes you are likely to commit an offence causing the death of or serious harm to another person...You have an established pattern of violent and sexually deviant behaviour dating from 1983," the board observed in 1995.
"The board is satisfied that, if released, you are likely to commit a sexual offence involving a child before the expiration of the sentence you are now serving," the board wrote in rejecting one of Grant's requests for early release.
Grant did not win early parole on any of his prison terms, and at one point the board revoked his full parole. But documents show he always served two-thirds of his sentence as required by law and the board had no grounds to hold him further.
Grant was resistant to sex offender treatment in prison, the document says, but did make strides in improving his literacy skills. He was diagnosed as a schizophrenic while behind bars.
A psychological assessment of November 1994 notes Grant had emotional baggage around the issues of anger control, rejection, emotional stability, loneliness and unstable relationships.
"...You admitted at the hearing that your hatred of women was related to behaviour of your mother and sister, but refused to discuss it further."
Nine days after serving one sentence, Grant re-offended and sexually assaulted an underage prostitute, the documents show. He was last imprisoned in 2001 and in 2002 the board wrote he was having hallucinations that encouraged him to be aggressive and sexually violent.
He has been a free man since 2004, although Winnipeg police had him under surveillance for a time because he was a sex offender.
Here is Grant's criminal resume:
*Grant was first imprisoned in February 1992 on a four-year sentence for sexual assault.
*He was freed on statutory release in March 1994 under special conditions.
*His statutory release was revoked in September 1994.
*He was to be freed in May 1995 but the Correctional Service of Canada took steps to keep him in custody until November 1995.
*Prior to the end of that term, he was convicted of sexual assault and overcome resistance resulting in an aggregate sentence of 12 years and 10 months effective November 1991.
*He was held in custody until his sentence expired on Sept. 26, 2004.
_________________________________________
It was in 1992 that Mark was sentences for the rape of my sister, as you can see he only got 4 years for that assault. It still makes me so angry that is sentence was so short. He gets 4 years, my sister gets a life sentence having to deal with the aftermath of this assault. To this day she still has issues in many facets of her life that all lead back to this horrible incident in her life.
My thoughts & prayers are with both the Derksen Family & my sister. I am sickened to my stomach that you both have to relive such a horrific time in your lives. Even if he is found not guilty, I hope you will have some inner peace and closure knowing what we ALL know, that this man is a killer. I am trying my best to have total faith in the justice system, but some faith will be lost if Mark Grant is found not guilty.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
ASW - Helping You Deal With Depression
I'm sure the first thing you are wondering is "What is ASW?" Well, the long answer, as you know I am doing a lot of research on transitioning back to work after being on a mental health/stress leave & looking for other ways to help with my progress. In my research I came across this workbook called 'Antidepressant Skills Workbook' and it caught my attention immediately and I knew I had to share it with you.
The 'Antidepressant Skills Workbook' gives an overview of depression, explains how it can be effectively managed according to the best available research, and gives a step-by-step guide to changing patterns that trigger depression. In this self-care guide, we show how to use cognitive and behavioural methods to make important changes in thinking and actions that help one to emerge from depression and make it less likely to recur. These methods can be used in combination with depression treatments, increasing their effectiveness. Note that for most people with serious depression, use of this self-help guide alone will not be sufficient to resolve the depression. People with serious depression should obtain treatment with antidepressant medication or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
I am hoping you will find this workbook as useful as I have so far. I will be sure to share my experience once completed, and I hope you will share yours.
The 'Antidepressant Skills Workbook' gives an overview of depression, explains how it can be effectively managed according to the best available research, and gives a step-by-step guide to changing patterns that trigger depression. In this self-care guide, we show how to use cognitive and behavioural methods to make important changes in thinking and actions that help one to emerge from depression and make it less likely to recur. These methods can be used in combination with depression treatments, increasing their effectiveness. Note that for most people with serious depression, use of this self-help guide alone will not be sufficient to resolve the depression. People with serious depression should obtain treatment with antidepressant medication or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
I am hoping you will find this workbook as useful as I have so far. I will be sure to share my experience once completed, and I hope you will share yours.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
"Snap Out of It" - The Stigma of Mental Health Issues
I'm writing this today as it is "Let's Talk Day" with Bell Canada. Bell will contribute $.05 for every text message and long distance call sent to mental health initiatives.
As many of you know I have suffered from depression/mental health issues for several years now & I have always talked about it openly here on my blog. Being depressed isn't something I am ashamed of, but I know there are a lot of people out there that are, due to the stigma society has put on mental health issues. By writing about my experiences I hope people will not feel alone & will open up and discuss their mental health issues. It is time that we, people suffering with mental health issues, stand up to society and break this stigma of a disease that has remained silent for too long.
Depression, anxiety, mood disorders are serious illnesses and should never be taken lightly by anyone. I have come by many people in my journey with depression that are either uneducated or uninformed on what having a mental health problem really means. I have had people in my life that try to tell me "Snap out of it", don't you think if it was that easy I would choose to just "snap out of it".
When I have come across these people in my life I have tried to educate them on what it means to be suffering from depression. The problem with these kind of people is they choose to remain ignorant about the topic & don't want anything to do with the information you provide them. Obviously, these people are no longer in my life.
It is because of the stigma attached to mental health issues that causes people like this to say these kind of things. We need to educate society & share our stories to stop this misconception of what it means to be depressed.
Here are some great resources for those suffering from depression and for those that have people in their life suffering from some kind of mental health issues. Share these with your friends & family to help bring awareness to this very important issue:
Free Emotional Wellness Self-Assessment
Mental Health Services in Alberta
Understanding Mental Illness
Mental Health Test Your Knowledge
My Mental Health
Measure Your Mental Health Knowledge
As many of you know I have suffered from depression/mental health issues for several years now & I have always talked about it openly here on my blog. Being depressed isn't something I am ashamed of, but I know there are a lot of people out there that are, due to the stigma society has put on mental health issues. By writing about my experiences I hope people will not feel alone & will open up and discuss their mental health issues. It is time that we, people suffering with mental health issues, stand up to society and break this stigma of a disease that has remained silent for too long.
Depression, anxiety, mood disorders are serious illnesses and should never be taken lightly by anyone. I have come by many people in my journey with depression that are either uneducated or uninformed on what having a mental health problem really means. I have had people in my life that try to tell me "Snap out of it", don't you think if it was that easy I would choose to just "snap out of it".
When I have come across these people in my life I have tried to educate them on what it means to be suffering from depression. The problem with these kind of people is they choose to remain ignorant about the topic & don't want anything to do with the information you provide them. Obviously, these people are no longer in my life.
It is because of the stigma attached to mental health issues that causes people like this to say these kind of things. We need to educate society & share our stories to stop this misconception of what it means to be depressed.
Here are some great resources for those suffering from depression and for those that have people in their life suffering from some kind of mental health issues. Share these with your friends & family to help bring awareness to this very important issue:
Free Emotional Wellness Self-Assessment
Mental Health Services in Alberta
Understanding Mental Illness
Mental Health Test Your Knowledge
My Mental Health
Measure Your Mental Health Knowledge
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
My Second Home...If I Won The Lottery
Im not a big architecture buff, but when I first saw this building I was amazed. I came across this video in a old email last summer. Just re-watched this video again after dusting it off. Im still awestruck by the beauty of this building. I have heard rumors that it will not be built in Dubai due to their financial problems and that it will now be built in Hong Kong, but they are just rumors, as far as I know.
Check out this building and try to tell me you are NOT awestruck by it:
Check out this building and try to tell me you are NOT awestruck by it:
My Never Ending Mental Health Journey
I have now been on a mental health leave from work for almost 6 months. When all of this started I had no idea this journey would be as long as it has been. If you asked me 3 months ago how I felt about my progress I would have told you, I see the light & feel optimistic about returning to work quickly.
Today, I feel differently. Do not get me wrong, I have made ALOT of progress with this since it started, but just when I think I have dealt with it all, my therapist comes up with the next step. First, I had to deal with the event that started all of this. Second, I had to deal with the unspoken feelings I had towards my mother & how she has treated me my entire life. Third, I had to look at myself and I how I deal & categorize difficult people in my life, in an unhealthy manner. Fourth, it was time to get back out in the world. Needed to face my anxiety & get out and about. I'm still struggling with this one, I can have people over, but I feel overwhelmed when I have to go out. Fifth, it was time to make a plan. A plan on how I would deal with my mother if she were to contact me. I need to do this so I am better able to cope with the normal stress that comes from these contacts.
This is the step I am currently at. It is a difficult one for me, as I have always been on the edge of my seat or walking on egg shells wondering what is going to happen with the next contact from my mother. I feel, even if I have a plan on how to deal with this, that it won't alleviate the stress of the unknown I have with my mother. So I am working on this.
As you can see, there may or may not be many more steps to go for me. We still have not gotten to how I am going to deal with the stress I am feeling with returning to work. I feel I am getting depressed being off work this long, and that the transition back to work is going to be more difficult the longer I am off.
I miss the daily routine of going into the office. I miss work. But I understand I need to finish this journey to ensure that I am at my best before returning. I have complete faith & trust in my therapist.
I was doing some research on transitioning back to work after being off on a mental health leave and I came across this Free Emotional Wellness Self-Assessment and decided to take it. According to this assessment, I am still in great need of more therapy.
Want to find out if you are suffering from depression, anxiety or stress? Take this Free Emotional Wellness Self-Assessment and find out. The report they provide after is amazing, which also provides things you can do to help yourself. When filling out the information, I just used a fake business name to proceed. Let me know your thoughts on the assessment.
Let the journey continue!
Today, I feel differently. Do not get me wrong, I have made ALOT of progress with this since it started, but just when I think I have dealt with it all, my therapist comes up with the next step. First, I had to deal with the event that started all of this. Second, I had to deal with the unspoken feelings I had towards my mother & how she has treated me my entire life. Third, I had to look at myself and I how I deal & categorize difficult people in my life, in an unhealthy manner. Fourth, it was time to get back out in the world. Needed to face my anxiety & get out and about. I'm still struggling with this one, I can have people over, but I feel overwhelmed when I have to go out. Fifth, it was time to make a plan. A plan on how I would deal with my mother if she were to contact me. I need to do this so I am better able to cope with the normal stress that comes from these contacts.
This is the step I am currently at. It is a difficult one for me, as I have always been on the edge of my seat or walking on egg shells wondering what is going to happen with the next contact from my mother. I feel, even if I have a plan on how to deal with this, that it won't alleviate the stress of the unknown I have with my mother. So I am working on this.
As you can see, there may or may not be many more steps to go for me. We still have not gotten to how I am going to deal with the stress I am feeling with returning to work. I feel I am getting depressed being off work this long, and that the transition back to work is going to be more difficult the longer I am off.
I miss the daily routine of going into the office. I miss work. But I understand I need to finish this journey to ensure that I am at my best before returning. I have complete faith & trust in my therapist.
I was doing some research on transitioning back to work after being off on a mental health leave and I came across this Free Emotional Wellness Self-Assessment and decided to take it. According to this assessment, I am still in great need of more therapy.
Want to find out if you are suffering from depression, anxiety or stress? Take this Free Emotional Wellness Self-Assessment and find out. The report they provide after is amazing, which also provides things you can do to help yourself. When filling out the information, I just used a fake business name to proceed. Let me know your thoughts on the assessment.
Let the journey continue!
Friday, January 28, 2011
My 2011 Oscar Choices
Here are this year’s Oscar nominees, I have "bolded" my choice in each category. What are your choices? Would love to hear them!
Best Actor
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
James Franco, 127 Hours
Jeff Bridges, True Grit
Javier Bardem, Biutiful
Best Actress
Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine
Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right
Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale, The Fighter
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech
Jeremy Renner, The Town
John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone
Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right
Best Supporting Actress
Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
Amy Adams, The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom
Best Picture
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The King’s Speech
The Kids Are All Right
True Grit
Winter’s Bone
Toy Story 3
The Social Network
127 Hours
Best Director
Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan
David Fincher, The Social Network
Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech
David O. Russell, The Fighter
Ethan Coen & Joel Coen, True Grit
Best Actor
Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network
Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
James Franco, 127 Hours
Jeff Bridges, True Grit
Javier Bardem, Biutiful
Best Actress
Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole
Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone
Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine
Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right
Best Supporting Actor
Christian Bale, The Fighter
Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech
Jeremy Renner, The Town
John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone
Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right
Best Supporting Actress
Melissa Leo, The Fighter
Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech
Amy Adams, The Fighter
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit
Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom
Best Picture
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The King’s Speech
The Kids Are All Right
True Grit
Winter’s Bone
Toy Story 3
The Social Network
127 Hours
Best Director
Darren Aronofsky, Black Swan
David Fincher, The Social Network
Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech
David O. Russell, The Fighter
Ethan Coen & Joel Coen, True Grit
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Possible Closure After Two Decades: A Families Worst Nightmare
I was only 14 years old when news of a missing girl by the name of Candace Derksen was all over the news. The community she lived in was very close to my community and I remember all the volunteers getting together to search for this girl, the same age as me. The search was a success, but the outcome, not so much. This poor 13 year old girl was bound & dead in a shed in a industrial area in the community. This really hit home & had my little 14 year old mind racing. The world was not a pretty place, nor was it safe. This murder went unsolved for decades and left a void in many Winnipegers hearts.
5 years later my sister suffered a rape by a horrible man by the name of Mark Grant. He was caught & arrested immediately and a trial was to follow. I still remember the day I saw him sitting in court, I never felt so much anger towards one person. The pain & suffering he put my sister through, she is still suffering from the wounds of this attack to this day, I wished him dead.
He went to jail and we went on living & doing our best to heal and move forward from this horrible event in our lives. A few years ago the Winnipeg Police contacted me looking for my sister. Ofcourse, I asked why, and they explained they needed to talk to her about her case & Mark. At the time my sister did not want anything to do with it, she did not contact the police. Then the news hit our family via facebook that Mark Grant was arrested and accused of the murder of Candace Derksen. OMG...I have never been hit with news so horrible to knock me off of my feet, this was the first time. Speechless. Breathless. All that kept running through my mind was "OMG he could have killed my sister".
I was once again contacted by police to get in touch with my sister. This time she found the strength to call them. The details of the conversation could not be shared with me, for obvious reasons.
The trial started today, could this possibly be the closure that so many people have waited over 2 decades for. I sure hope so. My thoughts & prayers go out to the Derksen Family during this very difficult time. It is horrible that we are all going to have to relive this horrible event during this trial, but the outcome, I hope, will allow official closure.
My thoughts are also with my sister, to be reminded of a very, very difficult time in your life is very hard & considering the circumstances, it is justifiable to be feeling the way you do. I love you and know you have the strength to learn from this & move forward.
I have included a link to 63 different news articles about this murder & Mark Grant. I am sure you will all be following this trial as closely as me.
http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/search/?keywords=Candace+Derksen&sortBy=-startDate&search_submit=Go&searchSubmitted=y
You can also follow the live tweets from the trial here: CoveritLive Event - Derksen Trial: http://tinyurl.com/4umk35s
5 years later my sister suffered a rape by a horrible man by the name of Mark Grant. He was caught & arrested immediately and a trial was to follow. I still remember the day I saw him sitting in court, I never felt so much anger towards one person. The pain & suffering he put my sister through, she is still suffering from the wounds of this attack to this day, I wished him dead.
He went to jail and we went on living & doing our best to heal and move forward from this horrible event in our lives. A few years ago the Winnipeg Police contacted me looking for my sister. Ofcourse, I asked why, and they explained they needed to talk to her about her case & Mark. At the time my sister did not want anything to do with it, she did not contact the police. Then the news hit our family via facebook that Mark Grant was arrested and accused of the murder of Candace Derksen. OMG...I have never been hit with news so horrible to knock me off of my feet, this was the first time. Speechless. Breathless. All that kept running through my mind was "OMG he could have killed my sister".
I was once again contacted by police to get in touch with my sister. This time she found the strength to call them. The details of the conversation could not be shared with me, for obvious reasons.
The trial started today, could this possibly be the closure that so many people have waited over 2 decades for. I sure hope so. My thoughts & prayers go out to the Derksen Family during this very difficult time. It is horrible that we are all going to have to relive this horrible event during this trial, but the outcome, I hope, will allow official closure.
My thoughts are also with my sister, to be reminded of a very, very difficult time in your life is very hard & considering the circumstances, it is justifiable to be feeling the way you do. I love you and know you have the strength to learn from this & move forward.
I have included a link to 63 different news articles about this murder & Mark Grant. I am sure you will all be following this trial as closely as me.
http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/search/?keywords=Candace+Derksen&sortBy=-startDate&search_submit=Go&searchSubmitted=y
You can also follow the live tweets from the trial here: CoveritLive Event - Derksen Trial: http://tinyurl.com/4umk35s
Thursday, December 23, 2010
A Soldiers Christmas
Here is a poem that I receive every year and every year it touches me in the same way. Let us not forgot about the soldiers that fight for our freedom every day.
This poem was written by a Peacekeeping soldier stationed overseas:
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE,
MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY,
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO,
IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES,
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT,
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR,
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED,
A TRUE CANADIAN SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO,
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALISED THE FAMILIES,
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS,
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE,
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM,
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER,
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE,
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT,
A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES,
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED,
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL,
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED,
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE,
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR,
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"
This poem was written by a Peacekeeping soldier stationed overseas:
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE,
MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY,
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO,
IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES,
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT,
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR,
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED,
A TRUE CANADIAN SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO,
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALISED THE FAMILIES,
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS,
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE,
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM,
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER,
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE,
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT,
A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES,
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED,
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL,
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED,
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE,
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR,
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"
Thursday, December 16, 2010
2010 Calgary Hitmen Teddy Bear Toss - Hitmen vs. Rebels
This gave me goosebumps! This is one reason why I love Calgary so much! The spirit of giving is alive and well in Calgary. You make me proud!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Therapy Assignment #1
My therapist asked me to write about the experience this past summer that has caused this little set back in my mental health journey. It was very difficult to do, but has helped a lot with alleviating my anxiety. I struggled with sharing this story, but I thought it was important, to not only show how physical abuse occurs, but also how verbal/emotional abuse, leave scars that can't always be seen with the naked eye.
Through my therapy I have come to realize I have been abused my entire life by my mother. I was never spanked as a child, but I was ALWAYS verbally/emotionally abused by my mother. This is the story of one of many experience of abuse that I suffered at the hands of my mother.
Through my therapy I have come to realize I have been abused my entire life by my mother. I was never spanked as a child, but I was ALWAYS verbally/emotionally abused by my mother. This is the story of one of many experience of abuse that I suffered at the hands of my mother.
Here is what my mother had to say about this situation on Facebook. These are her exact words “What do you do with 2 ungrateful, disrespectful daughters? Accept responsibility for the part you played in making them that way and give in to their wiles and smooth things over or take a stand? This time I chose to take a stand...lets see what happens:)"
I do not think being ungrateful or disrespectful, which we weren't, gives anyone permission to abuse another person. PERIOD.
___________________________________________________
This is my second attempt at writing about my experience with my mother on my birthday weekend. Just a split second of thought about what happened sends me into severe anxiety. I have not even started to write about it and I am shaking and my chest hurts. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
The question that keeps going through my head is “Why?” Why me? Why does she treat me this way? Why does she want to hurt me? Why?
It was a great birthday weekend. I was celebrating turning 40 by having a 4 day party. This was the second time I was spending time with my mother since we started talking again. I had cut off all communication back when my daughter graduated from HS. My mother, once again, was not happy with our lifestyle and started a fight and became very verbally abusive to both myself and my daughter. As per the norm, I did not stand up to her, but my daughter did. This did not please my mother at all, if anything it made the matter worse. She ranted about how disrespectful my daughter was and how my parenting skills where the reason for my daughters “bad” behaviour. I was very proud of my daughter for standing up to her and wished I had the ability to do that too. I still fear my mother.
3 years passed and I was going through some health difficulties and required surgery. My mother wanted to come and take care of me for the week after my surgery. At first, I had the usual feelings of worry, doubt & anxiety. The last thing I needed was my mother coming and starting the usual trouble that comes with her while I am trying to recover from major surgery. She arrived and I was pleasantly surprised, she was oddly optimistic/positive. Had she changed? Had she gotten help? I thought so. After her visit I felt so good. I told people her visit was so good for my soul. This was not what anyone expected, including myself.
Fast forward 6 months. My 40th Birthday. My mother insisted she was not going to miss this milestone birthday and that she would be joining us for the weekend. Since our last visit went so well, this was the first time I was excited to have my mother come visit. EVER.
We went out for a night of karaoke. Things seemed to be going well, until I realized my mother was missing for most of the night. She was at the slots. I wasn’t going to let this damper my evening. I discreetly asked friends to ask her to come back to the table. This had to be done a few times in the night. I just told myself if this is the worst of it, it wasn’t too bad. She has a problem! I wasn’t going to dwell. I had an amazing evening with my friends & family.
The second night was a surprise party. The party itself was not a surprise, the theme was the surprise. I was sent out of the house for most of the day so they could prepare. My mother & daughter got to work. My daughter did so much running around & I was so grateful for all that she did to make this birthday special for me. My mother was responsible for making all the food with help from others. She was also responsible for purchasing all the alcohol for the party. My mother was a superstar when it came to putting this party together with my daughter. I made sure I told her this all night. I was so happy & I made sure she knew how happy I was. I showered love & appreciation on her all night long in private and to everyone at the party. The guests also showed their appreciation to her. The night was a huge success.
I am crying, anxiety level 10, shaking, really do not want to revisit this. Still hearing the question in my head, “Why?”
The party ended, all the guests were gone and my daughter & boyfriend were in bed for the night. It was just my mother and I still up. We were discussing the party in the kitchen & how grateful I was for the evening. I guess I was not showing my gratitude in the way my mother wanted, I do not know, but she started going on a rant about respect & how she wasn’t feeling it from me. I was shocked. She grabbed me by the wrists and demanded that I respect her. I told her not to put her hands on me like that. She was scaring me. We started to argue about how you have to earn respect it isn’t something you are entitled to. She DEMANDED respect & believed she was entitled to it. She grabbed me by the wrists and pushed me, I fell, and I fell hard. Hard enough where there is now a hole in my wall the size of my body. I started to cry, I could not believe what was happening. At this time my daughter & her boyfriend woke up and came out and stepped in between my mother & I. All hell broke loose. It is all such a blur, everything happened so fast. My mother, somehow, got my daughter up against the wall by her throat. I thought she was going to kill her. I went into protective mode and got my mother up against the wall by her throat, and asked her how it felt. She kept threatening me to hit her. “Come on hit me, hit me”. I put my fist up to her face knowing I could never hit her, I could never hit anyone, put I wanted to so bad, how dare she put her hands on my daughter. I backed off. She continued to go on her rant about respect and was jumping around like a mad woman. Melissa & Ryan asked me to sit down and stay out of it as they tried to calm my mother down. I sat shaking & crying in the chair as I watched them “try” to calm her down, but she just continued to attack them both verbally & physically. Enough was enough, Ryan called the police.
Everything to this point felt like a dream or nightmare. It couldn’t be real. How could a mother do something like this to their own child? Why was my mother doing this to me? Why was she so angry? Nothing is ever good enough for her. I did not respect her good enough. I did not show my gratitude good enough. I did not raise my daughter good enough. My house wasn’t good enough. My job wasn’t good enough. I felt, if she had a choice, she would want a different daughter, a daughter that was good enough.
The police finally arrived, and not a minute too soon. The officer did what he was suppose to do and got the details on what had gone done. Ryan, Melissa & I were all calm at this point but my mother was still ranting about herself, saying things like “Do you know who I am?” “I have a PHD” .. the officer asked her many times to calm down, go to bed and suggested we all talk about it in the morning. She was having none of it. She then jumped in the officer’s face, it happened so quick, he grabbed her arm & threw her to the ground & slapped the handcuffs on her. Holy fuck, was this happening, I only see this shit on TV. Once again I was shocked and could not believe what I was seeing. My own mother being arrested.
The officer hauled her off to his car. We had to make sure he knew that my mother was donating her kidney on the following Thursday & required her meds while she was in JAIL. My mother should not even had been drinking due to this surgery on Thursday. She was taken to jail.
After she was gone we all took pictures of our wounds. I had bruises all over my wrists, my daughter had bruises on her neck and Ryan had scratches all over his body. Why did we take pictures? I do not know. For proof maybe, because how could anyone believe all of this. I could barely believe it. I sure didn’t take the pictures for memories. All I want to do is forget this ever happened. Im ashamed & embarrassed that this happened. How much of her behaviour is a reflection of myself? This isn’t me, but could it be?
Now that she was gone, the guilt set in. OH MY GOD, I just sent my mother to jail. What kind of daughter am I? I called all the family back home to let them know what happened & that I had no idea what was going to happen with her next. Was she going to be ok for the kidney surgery on Thursday? This kidney was going to save my uncle’s life...what had I done by sending my mother to jail?
My family back home reassured me that everything would be ok. That this was not the first time this had happened with my mother. WTF? This has happened before? She had mentioned to me that she had been in the drunk tank due to research she was doing with the native gangs in Winnipeg. This was not true, I was told. My family was very angry that she was drinking when she knew it was detrimental that she didn’t drink before the surgery. What was she thinking? This could ruin the chances of my uncle surviving.
I spent the good part of the morning trying to find my mother to ensure that she was ok and that, wherever she was, that they were aware of her upcoming surgery and her need for her meds. I had no luck. Due to confidentiality purposes they were not allowed to release any information. I continued to feel so much guilt. Was I going to responsible for the failure of my uncle’s kidney transplant? Why didn’t I stop my mom from drinking? That is an easy answer; you can’t stop my mom from doing ANYTHING. Regardless, the guilt keeps on building.
Time seemed to stand still while I waited for my mother to return. I had no idea how long she would be held in jail. I have never had to deal with this before, I had no idea how things work in the justice system. The waiting was killing me, the guilt was unbearable, anxiety was extreme. My mind was racing. Would she even come back here? How was she going to react? Was there going to be another fight? Would she even talk to me? I was so scared. I felt like I was a child waiting for the parent to get home knowing you were going to be in trouble for something. All I wanted to do is hide.
My mother finally returned to the house. She came to my bedroom immediately. She knocked at the door, I was going to pretend to be sleeping. She called out my name, I responded and got up and unlocked the door, terrified. She hugged me instantly and said she was so sorry & that she loved me. I was confused. That was it. That is all she said. She then when to the guest room & rested. I locked myself my room for the rest of the evening. She was still going to be here tomorrow. You could feel the tension in the air. My daughter stayed in her room the entire time she was here, avoiding her. I wanted to avoid her too, but it wasn’t possible.
She went out the next day and bought food for a birthday feast & a cake. This wasn't going to make it better. What was she thinking? Were we suppose to be grateful for this food, after what you just did to us? Nothing else had been said about anything at this point. This was going to be a long Monday. She wasn’t expected to leave until the next day. Thank goodness I had to work the next day, gave me a good excuse to go to bed early & not have to see her off the next day. The conversation was limited all day, we even ate dinner in separate rooms. It really felt like the calm before the storm. Boy was I right about this.
Went to work the next day, happy to be out of the house and away from the constant reminders of what went down on the weekend. Shortly after I arrived at work I received an email from my mother. She was asking for all the money back that she put into my party due the lack of respect we all had towards her. WTF? She said she was sorry she had to do this and that she loved me but she felt I did not deserve anything she did for me over the weekend & that Melissa was so disrespectful and did not spend the money she gave her on the right things for the party. None of this was true. Once again, I wasn’t good enough for her. I was so angry at this point. I did not even bother to respond to her email. I was done. Time to cut her off for good. I could no longer allow these kinds of relations in my life, even if it is my mother. I felt I was so happy, stable & well balanced in my life that I could not risk having someone like her in my life causing any kind of unhealthy reaction from me. She was never going to change. I cannot control her behaviour but I can control allowing her behaviour in my life.
I stayed focused at work for the entire week until the day of the kidney transplant came. It had only been 3 days since my mother left & the last thing I wanted to do was think about her in any way. I did what I probably shouldn’t have did, ignored the negative feelings I was having, and focused on the good in my life, the things I was grateful for. The problem with this, we all know, is that those negative feelings don’t go away just because you choose not to think about them.
Once she was alright, it really hit home. The events up to this day had really left me feeling unstable emotionally. I couldn’t close my eyes without visioning the abuse I went through. I would wake up from nightmares of my mother abusing me to the point of near death. I would have nightmares that I killed my mother in self defense. The nightmares became bad enough where I would not sleep for days. All the horrible things she ever said or did to me growing up all started to flood back. I needed help, my life was falling apart, spiraling out of control and I had no idea what to do. Well I knew what to do, I had to see my doctor and see her fast.
I thought I was strong enough to get through this by myself. Due to the major depression I suffered from a few years back, I thought I had learned the skills to better help me cope with situations like this. I was wrong. I did not feel as out of control as I did back in the dark days of my depression, but I definitely was not in a place where I was capable of helping myself get through this. I knew I needed help and I got the help as soon as I could.
The journey is very painful, sometimes unbearable, I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, but also see the long road before it. This too will pass.
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Having to relive the experience was difficult, but rereading this assignment a few times, really help alleviate the anxiety. My next assignment is to write a letter to my mother telling her how she has made me feel my entire life, with no intent of ever sending it. This assignment is going to be much harder than this one was.
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