Things We Do When We Think Nobody is Looking

This video has been shared with me a few times and every time it gives me goosebumps. So, ofcourse, I had to share with you. I hope it has the same effect on you that it had on me. Enjoy.

Back From The Darkness...Let There Be Light

I'm back! Did you miss me? I missed you. I've now been back to work for 3 months now, and I happy to report, all is going well.

The transition going back to work wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be, but isn't that how it always is. Imagining things to be much worse than they may be. Doesn't matter how many times we have been in this position and its turn out better than expected, we can't help but let our programmed way of thinking go there.

As I'm still learning to deal with that programming, what I have learned to do is not let that consume me to the point of paralyzing anxiety. Depending on the situation it can be quite difficult. Lucky for me, going back to work wasn't one of those situations.

I'm very fortunate to have return to a very supportive and understanding workplace. We have both done our best to make the transition a success, so far so good!

I'm hoping to get back to my blogging and continue sharing my journey with all of you. I have made so many wonderful and inspiring connections through this blog and hope to continue to inspire everyone to share their mental health journey too. You aren't alone.

Shakespeare Fans Will Love This

Being the huge Shakespeare fan that I am, when I came across the following post I loved it and had to share it with you. Enjoy!

Connecting With My Inner Child - Therapy Drawings

Through therapy the realization that my depression lies mostly with the abused inner child in me. It is the child in that has been suffering. The child in me that feels the unbelievable pain. With an amazing therapist I have been able to get in touch with this child and help her heal from all that she is suffering from. One thing my therapist asked me to do is find an activity that I enjoyed doing as a young girl. I loved to colour & draw for most of my childhood, so I decided to go out and by an art pad and pencil crayons. When I was feeling pain, anxiety or any overwhelming emotion, I would try to pick up my pad & crayons. Here are some of my first drawings:

Ever picture I drew I never had an image in mind to work towards, I simply picked which ever colour striked me at the moment and started with that. I am by no means an artist, but it sure to make the little girl in me happy & calm. I even started drawing pictures with oil pastels. This is definitely something I will continue doing for a long time.

If I Should Die Before I Wake, The Pain Became Too Much To Take

As you can see, I have not posted an update regarding my mental health journey in a while. In the last few months it seems, with the help of my therapist, I have delved into, what I think, has been the darkest part of my journey.  I know I have said that before, but I was wrong.  The darkness surrounds me and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

There have been some very hard and painful realizations that have come up through my therapy.  These realizations have me feeling so broken, unloved, unworthy and very unsure of who I am and where I belong in this world.  These realizations have opened a can of 40 years of pain, that I was not allowed to feel or recognize until now.  Realization of abuse my entire life, abandonment and my entire belief system of right and wrong is completely questionable now.

The pain is so unbearable at times, that thoughts of suicide enter my head.  The thoughts are more often than not lately. My days and nights are currently filled with darkness and I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel on a daily basis.  I'm working through this will my therapist and he is aware of these thoughts.  Still very scary.  The pain becomes so unbearable that I just do not want to feel anymore, I just want it to stop.

With all of this going on, I just have not been up to doing anything that I use to enjoy doing, including writing my blog.  I just wanted to provide this quick update and let you know, I will be back as soon as the light prevails.  Will share more details of these horribly, dark part of my mental health journey.

Reactive Candy's 2012 Oscar Pool - GET IN NOW (no cost)

The Oscars are only a few days away. The Oscars take place this year on February 26th 2012. This is your chance to show off your movie knowledge. Join my first Oscar Pool, it is all for fun, points only, no purchase required. Bring it on, like donkey kong! :)

Click HERE and use the following code to join Reactive Candy's 2012 Oscar Pool: 1514-Djq3

'Reactive Candy' nominated for a Ninjamatics' 2012 Canadian Weblog Awards

Reactive Candy has been nominated for the Ninjamatics' 2012 Canadian Weblog Awards in the Disability and Health & Wellness categories.

The Ninjamatics' 2012 Canadian Weblog Awards are a juried competition with nominations that are open in 35 categories between February 1st and November 31st, 2012. The nominees shortlist will be announced on January 15, 2013, and the winners will be announced on January 31, 2013. A running blogroll of the nominees is kept throughout the year so that they can highlight Canada's blogging talent.

Reactive Candy's 2012 Juno Picks

 JUNO FAN CHOICE AWARD

Arcade Fire 

Avril Lavigne 

City and Colour 

Deadmau5

Drake 

Ginette Reno 

Hedley 

Justin Bieber 

Michael Bublé 

Nickelback 

SINGLE OF THE YEAR

City and Colour  - Fragile Bird

Hedley - InvincibleJohnny Reid - Let’s Go Higher

Nickelback -When We Stand Together

The Sheepdogs -I Don’t Know

INTERNATIONAL ALBUM OF THE YEAR (SPONSORED BY HMV CANADA)

Adele -21

Coldplay -Mylo Xyloto

Lady Gaga -Born This Way

LMFAO- Party Rocking

Rihanna -Loud

ALBUM OF THE YEAR (SPONSORED BY MUSIC CANADA)

Avril Lavigne - Goodbye Lullabye

Drake -Take Care

Justin Bieber -Under the Mistletoe

Michael Bublé -Christmas

Nickelback -Here And Now

ARTIST OF THE YEAR

City and Colour 

Deadmau5 

Drake 

Feist 

Michael Bublé 

GROUP OF THE YEAR

Arkells Arkells

Down With Webster 

Hedley

Nickelback 

Sam Roberts Band 

NEW ARTIST OF THE YEAR (SPONSORED BY FACTOR AND RADIO STARMAKER FUND)

Alyssa Reid 

Dan Mangan 

Diamond Rings 

JRDN 

Lindi Ortega 

NEW GROUP OF THE YEAR (SPONSORED BY FACTOR AND RADIO STARMAKER FUND)

Braids 

Hey Rosetta! 

Mother Mother 

The Rural Alberta Advantage 

The Sheepdogs 

COUNTRY ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Doc Walker -16 & 1

High Valley -High Valley

Jason McCoy -Everything

Jimmy Rankin -Forget About the World

Terri Clark-Roots and Wings

ADULT ALTERNATIVE ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Cuff The Duke - Morning Comes

Feist - Metals

Jenn Grant -Honeymoon Punch

Jim Cuddy -Skyscraper Soul

Ron Sexsmith - Late Bloomer

ALTERNATIVE ALBUM OF THE YEAR (SPONSORED BY LONG & MCQUADE)

Braids -Native Speaker

Dan Mangan -Oh Fortune

Destroyer -Kaputt

Fucked Up -David Comes To Life

Timber Timbre -Creep On Creepin’ On

POP ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Avril Lavigne -Goodbye Lullaby

Down With Webster-Time To Win Vol. II

Hedley -Storms

Lights -Siberia

Marianas Trench -Ever After

ROCK ALBUM OF THE YEAR (SPONSORED BY RECORDING ARTISTS' COLLECTING SOCIETY - A DIVISION OF ACTRA)

Arkells -Michigan Left

Matthew Good - Lights of Endangered Species

Sam Roberts Band -Collider

Sloan -The Double Cross

The Sheepdogs - Learn & Burn

VOCAL JAZZ ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Diana Panton -To Brazil With Love

Fern Lindzon -Two Kites

Sonia Johnson -Le carré de nos amours

Sophie Milman -In The Moonlight

The Nylons -Skin Tight

RAP RECORDING OF THE YEAR

Classified -Handshakes and Middle Fingers

D-Sisive -Jonestown 2: Jimmy Go Bye Bye

Drake -Take Care

Kardinal Offishall -Anywhere (Ol’ Time Killin’ Part.2)

Swollen Members -Daggermouth

DANCE RECORDING OF THE YEAR

Anjulie -Brand New Chick

Deadmau5 - Aural Psynapse

Duck Sauce Tycoon -Barbara Streisand

Martin Solveig & Dragonette -Hello

Mia Martina -Devotion

R&B/SOUL RECORDING OF THE YEAR

JRDN -IAMJRDN

Jully Black -Set it Off ft. Kardinal Offishall

Karl Wolf -Ghetto Love ft. Kardinal Offishall

Melanie Fiona -Gone And Never Coming Back

Robin Thicke -Pretty Lil’ Heart ft. Lil Wayne

VIDEO OF THE YEAR (SPONSORED BY MUCHFACT, EXCLUSIVELY FUNDED BY BELL MEDIA)

The Stand - MOTHER MOTHER

Rows of Houses - DAN MANGAN

Stamp - THE RURAL ALBERTA ADVANTAGE

Good Day At The Races -HOLLERADO

Rumbleseat - THE SADIES

Why Do I Want To Shave My Head?

I do not know if this is a symptom of a "nervous breakdown" but I'm really having the urge to shave my head.
I have never heard of people doing this, beside Brittney Spears.

I do not have a weave or anything that I want to get rid of like she did either. Every day I am closer and closer to doing this.  Is this normal?  Have you suffered from a "nervous breakdown" and had the urge to shave your head?  Please, let me know.

I have not blogged in a while.  I have several posts to write to share my progress on my current mental health journey. It has progressed nicely, but Im currently at a very difficult and very painful point in the journey.  Feeling a lot of fear, sadness, anger and am so overwhelmed that I fear, at times, I do not know how I am going to survive this next leg of my journey.

Reactive Candy's 2012 Oscar Picks

 Best Supporting Actress

Berenice Bejo – The Artist
Jessica Chastain – The Help
Melissa McCarthy – Bridesmaids
Janet McTeer – Albert Nobbs
Octavia Spencer – The Help

Best Supporting Actor

Kenneth Branagh – My Week with Marilyn
Jonah Hill – Moneyball
Nick Nolte – Warrior
Christopher Plummer - Beginners
Max Von Sydow - Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Best Actress

Glenn Close – Albert Nobbs
Viola Davis – The Help
Rooney Mara – The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo
Meryl Streep – The Iron Lady
Michelle Williams – My Week with Marilyn

Best Actor

Demian Bichir - A Better Life
George Clooney – The Descendants
Jean Dujardin – The Artist
Gary Oldman – Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
Brad Pitt – Moneyball

Best Director

Michel Hazanavicius
Alexander Payne
Martin Scorsese
Woody Allen
Terrence Malick

Best Original Screenplay

Michel Hazanavicius – The Artist
Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig – Bridesmaids
J.C. Chandor - Margin Call
Woody Allen – Midnight in Paris
Asghar Farhadi - A Separation

Best Adapted Screenplay

The Descendants
Hugo
The Ides of March
Moneyball
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Foreign Language Film

Bullhead
Footnote
In Darkness
Monsieur Lazhar
A Separation

Animated

A Cat in Paris
Chico & Rita
Kung Fu Panda 2
Puss in Boots
Rango

Best Picture

War Horse
The Artist
Moneyball
The Descendants
The Tree of Life
Midnight in Paris
The Help
Hugo
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close